Avoid Any Diet That Discourages the Use of Hot Fudge.

So, I was pretty much doing the dieting thing (religiously) for Photobucket about two months. In the last week or two, I stopped inputting my meals into the program on my phone. I wasn’t eating as much or at all for whatever reason. It didn’t seem worth it to find my phone, find out the calories, and obsess about how much I was or wasn’t eating. Shortly thereafter, I stopped walking. It was getting much too chilly outside to walk on a regular basis without the proper attire and even with the proper attire… It’s been incredibly bitter. So, I finally removed the program from my phone. It was taking up space on my SD card and phone and I wasn’t using it any longer. Why bother keeping it?

It isn’t that I don’t want to lose weight because I really do. I admit that I am the fattest heifer this side of the state. However, I’m so frustrated with the whole mentality, necessary, for dieting. I’m so focused on being down on myself and losing the weight so that I am healthier/look better that I hate myself. Well, not entirely, but fairly near there. And, call me crazy here, but I don’t really feel like that’s fair to myself.

I’ve been eating less, as I mentioned, so I’m hoping that will assist me in this continuing weight loss thing. My goal is, still, to lost about forty to fifty pounds. It’s just a matter of achieving it with less angst and more paying attention to what I’m ingesting at any given moment. I’ve cut myself down to three meals. My main meal is dinner and it’s not nearly as big as it used to be. I’ve noticed that I can’t pack away as much as I used to (thankfully), so at least my stomach has realigned itself to thinking itself smaller.

I’ve also begun to do exercises every morning. For Christmas, I had requested that I be given a DVD about ballet exercises, as a kind of “jog the memory” type of thing. I really wanted to add it to my daily regimen. I feel that in so doing, it will be more of a help than with just simply walking all over hell and creation. Ballet, after all, isn’t just about losing weight but also about doing daily exercise. And while walking so much in a day is also exercise, I prefer ballet steps to walking any day. It’s inside and it’s something I know. Besides, yay, ballet!!! The only thing is after doing some exercises this morning… Ick. I am so out of practice. Yikes.

The other thing is the TH bought me the game, Zumba, for the X-box Kinect. I had asked him, just before Christmas, if he had bought that for me. He said, “No,” with that worried look he gets when he realizes that he’s fucked something up. So, he ended up purchasing it for me after the fact. BFTX had mentioned that when she did it she burned pretty damn close to 500 calories in the time that she used it. So, I figured, why the hell not? I want to add this to my daily exercises, as well, although I’m not particularly sure on how that should work out.

I’m not much on exercising in front of others. I guess it’s the whole “poor body image” that gives me pause.

So, that’s where I am, currently, with my weight loss. I’m eating less, although I stopped drinking the copious amounts of water that I was taking in. (Must rectify!) I want to wake up in the mornings and immediately jump into my daily stretches from ballet, followed by a quick bout with the Zumba game. Hopefully, if I keep it up, things will improve and I’ll watch the weight melt off.

Weight Loss Journal: Yeah, I’m Still Doing That.

I haven’t really been updating with this because I got really down on myself.

After Thanksgiving, I found it harder and harder to maintain my diet. The worst part is that I did amazing on Thanksgiving. I didn’t even go over on my daily intake; in fact, I had ten calories left over. However, as time passed, I sank into a depression because of the waiting game I’ve been playing. I couldn’t keep an accurate log of my daily intake because I didn’t want to know what a fat bitch I was becoming. I was still walking, though not as often or as long. In fact, it was so bad that the last time I weighed in, I had gained back the three or four pounds I had lost in November.

At around the beginning of this month, I started doing some research on how the hell I could lose weight. I found a bunch of bullshit psychobabble: think thin; stand always in the vacuum position (suck in your gut); and other things that made me laugh. I finally started doing research on how I could lose 2 pounds in a week, which is what I wanted my weekly goal to be. I found out that if I remove five hundred calories from my intake a day, I will lose 3500 calories, or a pound. In exercising the same amount in the same week, I can lose another pound… thus, reaching my goal.

So, I’ve been trying to burn 500 calories everyday. The walking is going well, although I will mention a few hitches: six days a week, I have to walk with TS. This can either hinder or aid my calorie-burning. Mostly, it’s a combination of both. I tend to get really frustrated with it. It’s really hard to keep walking now that the weather has changed for the colder. I don’t have anything but jeans to wear when I walk, and they’re thin. I also have some really old Adidas for walking wear. Again, I don’t recommend utilizing either in the winter. Also, I have no appropriate winter attire. So, when I get my first check, I’m going to Burlington for a coat and boots.

I will walk in the snow. I don’t care.

I’ve found (finally) the entrance(s) to the woods that surround the ass end of my neighborhood. This means that there’s been some serious hiking going on. I’ve been walking around Dimmock Pond the last few days. It’s crazy and awesome. I’m not normally the hiking kind of person, either. However, I’ve found that with all of this walking (and certain aspects to my religion) that I’m getting over that. I walk through the woods and marvel at what I wish I could see pre-this year’s storm, and what it looked like when people first started building homes on the pond, and trying to figure out what plants I’m walking by. I’m also finding myself irritated by the blatant disregard humanity has for nature, but that’s a story for a different time.

I’ve also been doing some sit-ups. I used to do them every night before I got with MEH. I think I was doing so well with them that I was up to 50 per night. I would do [girly] push-ups, too. So, with that in mind, I’ve been doing some sit-ups. I am at twenty in a go. However, to burn calories while doing them I have to base it off of how long I’m doing them. You burn 4.8 calories every minute that you do sit-ups, so 5 calories of every minute doing calisthenics. Maybe I could do it with sit-ups and jumping jacks… I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. In the mean time, sit ups are also great for that baby pooch I’ve been carting around for four years. (Shit! Four! Years!)

I think the worst part about this dieting aspect is the self-control needed to maintain your eating habits. Just because I’m dieting doesn’t mean that I’m not still bringing delicious chocolate and fattening items into the house. This is because of that Eggo’s commercial about the mom who is dieting, which means everyone in the house is dieting. On the one hand, it would be better for both TS and TH to be on the same dieting plan as me. However, I’m not going to force dry and tasteless down their throats. Besides, then I would have to share things like my Reduced Fat Triscuits and that’s just not fucking happening in this life or the next. (EVER!)

And to be honest, just because someone is dieting doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t eat the good stuff. You just have to maintain control and stick within the standard size for a single serving. And that, I think, is the hardest part. Like I said, it’s the self-control aspect that is needed to keep up with this stuff. And honestly, even if I didn’t have the tempting stuff underneath my nose, I’d still have a really hard time with it. I mean, there’s food all over the place that’s easily bought. Or, I could make brownies or cake… So, even though the food is here, in this house, and that’s probably not helping, I don’t think it would really keep me within the narrow confines that I need to be.

Sigh.

I’m really trying this whole thing. I mean, I really am. And I want to get down to my target weight, but I have to wonder when I’ll reach my plateau. Everyone does; I know that from having watched plenty of people go on various diets. And the recommendation from there is that you should change up the tactic. What more change could I possibly add to all of this if/when I meet that magical moment where I can’t lose anymore? That’s a scary thought.

But what’s really scary is that I’m putting in all of this hard work for little to no gain.

Current Weight 174
Calories Burned Today 578
Total Burned This Week 4,150
Total Burned 14,951

Weight Loss Journal: I May Just Get The Hang of This.

I’ve been trying very hard to keep up with the dieting. It’s proved a very difficult task. There are so many damn things that you can’t have or have to eat in moderation! There’s chocolate and ice cream and did I mention chocolate? It really hasn’t helped that I’ve been feeling extremely down this past week and I got my period. That was like a double whammy of “can you really do this?” Not only that, but it’s really fucking hard to say no to chocolate when your best friend brings over a bar, knowing how depressed you are. (No, I’m not complaining, but it still is hard.)

Even with all of that, I’ve been doing very well. I go for three to four walks a day, sometimes more but not usually. TS and I go for a walk with Jasmine (my fat mutt) in the morning. We try to walk for about a mile or thereabouts. Some days it’s more than that and some days, it’s less. It’s difficult when you have a three-year-old who is trying his damnedest to assert some independence, especially when he doesn’t want to listen or hold his mother’s hand. There’s a lot of teeth-gritting (the two of us), yelling (me), crying (him), and put-upon sighing (both). So far, though, we’ve both been able to walk between .8 to one mile in that time period. We come back home in foul moods, but we do it.

After that, I usually wait until TH comes home before I head out for my next walk. It just makes my life that much easier in not having to take TS on yet another walk. I really want to walk with him more than the once a day, but until his behavior improves, there’s nothing more to do about it. I can barely handle taking him out once a day. I shudder to think what would happen if it was twice a day.

I try to walk about three-and-a-half miles. That’s what I have the weight loss program set to: five days a week, I get a little reminder that I need to walk such-and-such amount of miles. I’ve been walking closer to four miles a day, though. It’s easy and fun and I never really understood what people meant when they went on about having more energy after working out. I get it now, though. The more I walk, the more I want to walk. The more I walk, the better I feel about myself. It’s also a great way to clear my head or to think up scenes for novels I’ll never write (or will write one day but not any time soon) or just to fantasize about shit. It’s like ‘me’ time. It’s kind of nice.

TH is proud of me, or so he says. I assume he is. I mean, why wouldn’t he? I took this upon myself and seem to be doing really good with all of it. Today, he told me that just because I hit my plateau, then that doesn’t mean that I can give up what I’m doing. He reminded me that it happens to everyone, even the people on the Biggest Loser or whatever that show is. I know that’s the case. I can clearly recall his mother and aunts complaining about hitting their plateau with Weight Watchers. I never heard TM say anything about it out loud, but I know she’s had similar issue, too.

He told me that even if it looks like I’m not going to lose any more weight, then I can’t give up because what I’m doing is living a healthier lifestyle. However, in looking into things in that perspective, I can see why most people give up. I mean, if you don’t see any more results, what’s the point? However, I’m going a lot slower than most people, I think, so I think it may take me longer to reach my plateau, if I get there at any point. Hopefully, my plateau is really damn close to my target weight (120 pounds, which is what works with my height). That would make things easier.

This week, I managed to lose two pounds. I think it’s a fluke because I’m under the impression that it’s usually like a one pound a week thing. I don’t know; I don’t think I did anything different this week than I did last week. In all honesty, I believe that the reason I lost two pounds was because I’m finally over my period. Thus, I lost some quick water weight. Hell, probably about a pound and a half was water weight due to period while half a pound was due to real effort. I know it sounds like I’m Negative Nancy-ing my own efforts, but I figure if I say mean shit about myself first, no one else can do it for me.

I’ve also begun to think about something an online friend of mine does. She measures her waist when she does the whole dieting thing and that really resonated with me. I’d like to know what my measurements are, but I’m always so scared to because I’m afraid of what they’re going to be. Not to mention, it’s taken a lot for me to simply announce how much I weigh in a public forum, so I don’t know how I’ll feel in announcing my bodily measurements. To be completely frank, I think I’d be more embarrassed over people knowing what my measurements are as opposed to my weight. I know that’s weird, right? But if I announce it, then everyone will know how much belly weight I gained.

Eh. It’s a moot point anyway. I don’t have a measuring tape that would allow me to do that.

Current Weight 171
Calories Burned 2413

The Weight Loss Journal: I Found Out That I’m Fat.

Since I lost my job I’ve gained between ten and fourteen pounds. I say between that because I fluctuated a solid five-pound difference while at the CO. I was at around 163 when I worked. After noticing more pouf around my uterus and C-section scar, around three weeks ago, I began to suspect something.

Then, I couldn’t fit into my ‘house jeans.’ Now, these are jeans that I bought last year when I was still just a lowly cashier at the CO. So, they’ve been around the block for quite some time. In fact, they’re rapidly coming up on two years old or thereabouts. However, up until this point, as old as they were and as ratty as they were, they still fit. They were a little tight around my thighs (since I have Thunder Thighs), but they fit. And that’s the point: They stopped.

I found it near-on impossible to sit down in them. If I sat down, I felt as though I were suffocating or something. I had to unbutton them, at first, if I sat for any length of time. And then, I had to unzip them because the discomfort was just abominable. Not to mention, that buttoned or otherwise, whenever I took them off, I’d have deep impressions of all of the seams around my stomach and hips and thighs. It was both humiliating and disgusting, as far as I was concerned.

When the power was out, we spent a day or two over at the house of MIL. She had heat, even though there was no power because of their wood burning stove. TH went into the bathroom and came out in disgust: in the last week or so, he had gained ten pounds because, since there was no power, we were spending our time eating out a good deal. So, I took it into my head to weigh myself as well… and nearly had a fucking heart attack. I had gone up to 175-7 in the last two months. I knew I had to fix my shit because obesity (and diabetes) run in my family. TM, who is obese, reminds me that having a ‘fat mom’ is no fun and embarrassing quite frequently.

So.

I downloaded an app on my phone. It helps you log in your food content by caloric intake. It separates items in four groups: good calories, bad calories, grain calories, and water items. It offers no advice on how to eat healthy, but tells you if you’ve had too many grain or bad calories. It also has a built-in work out maintenance program. You can choose what kind of work out you want to do. I have it set to walking since, as a smoker, jogging or running are entirely out of the question.

In the last week, I’ve burned 2000 calories with my myriad of walks. I try to walk about three and a half miles a day, although this doesn’t always end up happening. Occasionally, I go over this number but mostly, I end up thereabouts or under my designated mileage. The elements have a big say in how far and how fast I walk, but so too does this chest cold that metamorphosed out of a simple head cold [per usual]. (Of course, I’m sick since we lost power and it was fucking freezing in our house all the damn time.) I think I’m doing okay, but I’m honestly no quite sure.

I did my weekly weigh in a day early (yesterday) and found out that I had lost about a pound. In reality, I think I lost about two pounds since I was guessing what my weight was when I first downloaded the program onto my phone. However, I’m basing everything off of the guess I put in as my weight, which I designated as 174. On the scale at MIL’s house, it said that I had lost a pound.

While I was there, weighing myself, HLB and HLB’s GF watched me. I figured since I’m posting it all over FB and all over this journal, they can watch me weigh myself. I was really grateful when HLB clapped for me, said congratulations, and told me that I weighed less than HLB’s GF. She told him that he was wrong, weighed herself, and yes, I do weigh less than her. (By a whopping three or four pounds, but still!)

Honestly, I’d like to lose more than a pound or two a week. I know it tends to be the average if you’re really trying for people who are not morbidly obese. I still have day dreams about losing five pounds a week. Of course, according to the app on my phone, if I were to do that, then I’d have to take in -246 calories a week. Yeah, that’s right: negative. So, obviously, that’s not going to happen. I would like to get more into a work out regimen that isn’t just walking around my neighborhood, although I like that. It’s going to start snowing soon and I’m worried if I’ll be able to keep it up during the winter.

And it’s not like I have winter boots or a winter coat or the money for either.

Just in case I have a hard time in the winter with this, I have a back up plan. I need money to implement it, but I think it’s a good one.

You see, for anyone who doesn’t know me, I used to be a ballerina as a child. I started taking it to get me out of the house when my daddy was dying. I stuck with it even after all of that. I danced until I was fourteen, for nearly ten years. I stopped because I was an asshole teenager who wanted to hang out with people who really didn’t want to hang out with me. (A story for another time.) Anyway, I haven’t danced since then although I talk about it fairly regularly. On Amazon, there are two or three “beginners” or “recap” videos about ballet dancing. I was in very fit shape as a dancer, so I figured, I could get back there if I started it up again. I also added a portable barre to my wish list since, you know, you need a barre to be a ballerina.

I can do without watching myself in the mirror, although that is also kind of necessary.

So.

That’s the plan: walk my little heart out, try to eat better, and pick up ballet again if/when money comes my way.

At the end of each entry, I’m going to post how much weight I’ve lost and how many calories I’ve burned. I read somewhere, once, that blogging about your weight loss helps to keep you in mind of the weight loss. That’s partly why I’ve been posting it all over FB the last week or so. It keeps it in mind.

WEIGHT 173
CALORIES BURNED 2000