My Bitter, Bitter Stew.

I don’t always know when I’m depressed because I’m not as smart as I think I am. OR. I am really good at hiding my mental state from myself, which could be chalked up as much the same thing as being not intelligent enough to follow the cues. I do have clues that indicate I’m feeling down or depressed but unless I’m actually paying attention, I don’t always notice when they start happening. I realized today after someone mentioned I sounded bitter that I realized I had been sleeping more, getting more headaches, and craving munchies more than usual. Whoop. What is…? OH! Heeeeeey there, depression! It’s been so long! Come in and try not to make yourself comfortable; I’m hoping you won’t be around long.

So, after reading the comment in question and perusing the entry it was left on, I put my phone down and stared at the TV for a while. I was doing a partial mull on what was said. On the one hand, I was paying utmost attention to the pathways in my head to try to figure out what started all of this (although I kind of knew the answer to this already) while simultaneously trying to watch the last few episodes of Psych on streaming. It was at that moment that a certain BFMA called to demand to know what the fuck was going on. “I feel like something is really wrong. What’s wrong?” I laughed at her and deflected, but she’s kind of used to my deflections so she tried to work around it. However, when I have a wall up, there’s no going around or over or underneath because I have defenses in spades. Not to mention, there was absolutely no way I was going to tell her what the hell was going on in my head. I didn’t want to discuss it yet and I wasn’t going to unleash my issues on her. She has enough problems. That’s when I realized why all of this was affecting me particularly hard.

Last week, BFMA had a bunch of seizures. After the post I just linked to, she actually had about two more. She had one while in the ER at the local, larger hospital, waiting for someone to see her about the pain in her neck after her last seizure. They admitted her to the neurology unit. After that seizure in the middle of the ER, she told me she couldn’t feel or move her legs. As time went by, she could feel some things in her legs, but they still weren’t working right. After about three or four days in the unit (and another seizure at some point during that stay), she was released. She was told that it was “all in” her “head.” I likened it to all the fun times we’ve had where doctors don’t listen to her about how her body handles medication or anything because she’s listed as bi-polar on her charts, so, you know. There’s some serious distrust and dislike going on by doctors who “know everything.” But, she was given medical orders for physical therapy to try to get the use of her legs back and the PT guy told her that it technically was in her head: it’s a syndrome where the brain shuts down pathways to certain body parts while it tries to fix itself, or what have you, after a seizure. And that’s the case here, I guess. So, she’s got a lot of stuff going on…

…is it any wonder I wasn’t going to tell her what the hell was going on? Why am I going to unload all of that on her shoulders? She has all of the emotional bullshit to contend with that happened prior to Seizure Week. She can’t walk and there’s no timing for when her legs will come back. Her thirtieth birthday is on Monday and that’s the first day of her physical therapy sessions. She has to start talking to her mother who is likely to blame all of this on her and how crazy she is. (Her mom’s a gem!) She has the squatters in the living room still and has to be embarrassed and mortified daily by asking them for help to the bathroom, down the stairs, into the kitchen, onto her bed, etc. So, no. I wasn’t going to unload on her shoulders – there is enough there already.

So, with all of this background, everything started on Tuesday (the day before they let BFMA out of the hospital).

I started having a panic attack that would have made BFMA proud. It was because there wasn’t enough time to finish it all! I don’t know what “it all” was but I was panicking about it. This was stupid. I don’t have panic attacks. After talking with someone about it for a few minutes, I realized that I was channeling someone or something. And I managed to control whatever was going on. This left me in a fairly morose state: I didn’t understand what was going on or why I was so upset. So, I decided to unleash this sudden welling of emotion in the form of a blog post about my dad that I’ve been trying to write since, uh, February or so. I finally managed to get it all out and by the end of it, I was crying my fool head off. I signed offline and stared blankly at the TV while TS and I cuddled. (He’s good at trying to make me feel better.) After that, I went to visit BFMA in the hospital and was horrified to learn that they were releasing her and not figuring anything out or trying to fix her, really. So, I was pretty pissed off when I went over to a family dinner over at the MIL’s house.

Family dinner really solidified to me some emotions I had been having in regards to HLB and HLB’s GF, which is utter resentment. I texted BFMA with the words, “I really hate them.” And at that moment, it was so true. The two of them seem to have some sort of magical wards in place that gives them so much. Recently, they were kicked out of MIL’s house after 18 months of sucking down resources. I was thrilled that they were getting kicked out – now they’d learn about the real world! Wrong. The two of them got a house. Albeit, the house isn’t theirs and they have to pay rent to HLB’s GF’s mother and the house was a pretty big shit hole before they worked for a month on it, they still managed to be given a fucking house. And that’s when I realized that apparently working really hard for your goals at any given moment is bullshit because if you sit around and do nothing long enough, someone is going to make your life easier for you. Obviously, I don’t really believe this because otherwise, I wouldn’t feel such gross animosity towards the two of them, but it sure feels that way. I know that TH is, also, under this impression as well. It’s like, why are they lucky enough to be handed everything in life? I know their lives together aren’t easy. They practically hate one another about 85% of the time and they have a child with special needs, but it still comes down to the fact that when shit was getting ready to hit the fan, luck found them a home.

And it’s not fair.

What’s so fair about life, though?

It hearkens back to a conversation I had with my mother about MEH on Sunday. I told her about how I hated him so much and how things worked out so easily for him all the time. It wasn’t fair. (There’s that word again…) She said that she did, indeed, agree that he seemed to have a silver spoon in his mouth. While monetarily, he was always struggling but his charisma knows no bounds. Without actually finishing his paramedic courses and clinicals, he’s able to get a NR-Paramedic in the state of MA. Without actually saving the money, he gets a house. Without actually paying off his last car, which had negative equity in it, he manages to get a spanking new truck. It’s like Lady Luck follows him around and turns everything he desires into reality – like HLB and HLB’s GF. The two of them suck together, have a child with special needs, have fucked up this child hardcore, can’t stand each other more than half the time, fight like nobody’s business and yet… They get a house. WHAT THE FLYING FUCKETY FUCK FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? WHY?!?!?

Do you have to be a registered asshole or something to get what you want? I can do that, but you know, it’s not me. An it’s not TH. So, we work hard and we save money. We look into getting a new apartment, only to find that there aren’t any in our price range or area to rent. We look into getting a new car, but realize that the money we’re saving could go to putting down on a house at some point, so we think of fixing the car instead. (Don’t get me started on my fucking car, either.) We work hard for the money that we make, or have at least, but we don’t get any further in our life plans or our goals. It’s like we’re constantly running in place and it’s not fucking fair. (Again, that word…)

All of these emotions have solidified into something angry and bitter and snarky. I’m pretty good about ignoring it, but I still have those depression cues that I can look to. And there they are. I want to sleep. I want to read. I want to eat munchies. I want to wallow. I want to just hate on everything and everyone. And everything all came out with yesterday’s post as a bitter stew. And that’s where I am now. I’m dealing with my bitter stew and I’m trying to work through it, but it’s like… why bother? What will change?

I know that you’re supposed to work towards a goal, but my goal was pretty easy. I was going to have BFMA quit her job and go back to work. That was my first goal… except that now, we can’t really do that can we? How is she supposed to watch TS if she can’t even walk? I feel like I try to take baby steps and get shit on. So, I try to take huge leaps and I get shit on. And I go back to baby steps, just in case, and I get shit on.



14 thoughts on “My Bitter, Bitter Stew.

  1. I wish I knew the answer to your problem. I myself see the world in a similar way. Life isn’t about happiness, but survival. Sure there are some happy moments, but these are sparse. The reason people like love stories is because they normally have a happy ending, which is rarely ever realistic.
    My sister got pregnant at 17 years old and a few more times over the years, lost her kids to the department of social services (but still gets to see them) because of drug abuse and has had several cars which she has not taken care of. She also found herself a husband in a short period of time. She is 13 years younger than I and has her own house, her own car and can buy herself pretty much anything she wants, while I who have worked for a longer period of time live in a one room apartment that I pay $500 a month for, compared to the $400 she pays for the house (my cousin Floyd is her landlord). It irritates the hell out of me sometimes. I just want my own piece of land and will build my own cob house. I’ve built regular wood and brick houses and they suck.
    Again I wish I could offer some help. If I lived in your area I would be there in a flash to help you and Sister out, but as it is at the moment, I’m not.

    • That’s it exactly. I want to have my own house with a garden and trees behind with access to go walking in the trails. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but apparently, it is. It sucks. It blows. With each passing month, I wonder if it will ever happen.

  2. I like that my bitter stew has caught on XD

    You remind me of where I was back at the end of 09 and early 10. Allow me to bore you with my story- I had finally gotten a job in mid 08. After years of moving, half starts and horrible finishes I finally got a job- only to have my company shiftily take it away from me in early 09 (day of SO’s b-day, no less). And after looking for months and months for a job- and having to resort to moving back to my parent’s house, I suddenly had a breakthrough- a job. A miracle. However, that miracle was not really one- I moved, spent all my money to purchase an apt- I had no savings left. And…. I could tell the job was crap. I knewit was only a matter of time before I found myself jobless. I was frustrated and angry. Pissed that I was working so hard, only to be fucked over by people who didn’t care about anything. I spent the entire 6 months that I had that job (I did eventually get laid off, as I thought I would) being bitter and pissed. The other employees got paid a ton more than I did. They got treated better than I did. The bosses didn’t manage the company well, and while I was working my ass off, the other employees weren’t. I was pissed that my young cousins all managed to slip into ‘better’ jobs than I had. Everyone I knew what being handed happiness (or what I thought) and I was getting shit out of it.

    Even after I got laid off and landed an awesome job (well, in this economy) I was still angry- I felt cheated and slighted. I was back in my parents house. My relationship was under huge strain. I just… was so fucking angry. And everyone told me to ‘let it go’ and I just couldn’t.

    But one day it left. And since then, I’ve realized that looking at other people and comparing myself to them is dumb (haven’t we talked about this?). It’s entirely hard to remember this when you’re in The Pit. When you’re upset and frustrated, and you feel like the world is just handing you shit, while everyone else gets gold. But you have to remember to keep walking forward- every bog has an end. Eventually, you will find yourself back on solid ground again. Even if you spend this whole time being angry, never stop trying to move forward- because that is what is important. (I would never tell you to stop being angry, because when you are in that place, it’s pretty damned impossible. Sometimes, I think anger is necessary).

    So I don’t know the point of the long ass rant. But hopefully it’s helpful some how- to know that I have been where you are, and hopefully one day, you can be where I am now.

    • It’s interesting because I’ve been reading the blogs of others… and they all seem to be going through a bog as well. I wonder what it is about this moment in time or the alignment in the sky or what have you that’s making it so that so many of us are going through this, at this moment in time. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all the planets are in retrograde all at once.

      I’m actually kind of worried that it won’t go away after a while. I’m really scared that I’m going to be some evil, embittered woman for the rest of my life because I get to see assholes make it and I’m left in the background, toiling. I know that comparing myself to them is dumb and whatnot, but I guess knowing and not doing are too entirely different things. In the mean time, I’m scared that I’m going to end up angry, waspish, and alone.

      • For me, I almost had to let my anger consume me before it would go away. Honestly, if you’re worried about becoming angry and bitter, perhaps you should talk to the Two who deal with both aspects of that- blinding rage, and encompassing love. Maybe they could help you strike some sort of balance or something.

        For me, I just woke up one day, and found it was gone. I’m not sure what happened, but it left. And for all you know, you’ll wake up one day and have the same happen. All you can do for now is trust in that you’re being watched, that people care about you, and that eventually you will move out of this bad spot. One foot in front of the other- you’ll figure a way out.

        • For a while, I thought that was the Big Mother’s role in my life. Since neither of my two have been able to get me to the point where acceptance happens, I figured she came in to help. NOPE. After a lot of thinking about that, I’ve realized that’s not the case. So, I’m left pondering.

          • Well, for me personally, Set had to let me wile out of control for a while. Going through his rabbit hole was a weird adventure- and I think it was all part and parcel with whatever lessons he had to teach me. Now O is trying to get me to come back to center line- being more balanced. More okay with my light aspects, etc.

            So for all you know, you’re in the middle of doing something simlar, and you don’t even know it 😛 Unfortunately, I don’t have any sage advice in this 😦 I wish I did.

  3. Well, if everything goes according to plan with physical therapy it should only take like two weeks to get back to normal, maybe faster if I really work on it at home. Which I plan to do because this not walking shit is really getting fucking old.

    And as for issues being “heaped” on my shoulders, did it ever occur to you that it would be a pleasant distraction from my own? I sit in my room all day and one of the only things I can think about is my own pity party. So yeah, I’d really love a break from that.

    I’m always here for you, no matter what you need. And no, it isn’t fair that those guys get everything handed to them. Unfortunately, life isn’t fucking fair. If it was we wouldn’t be in half the messes we’ve been in lately.

    Oh and by the way…you needed to finish that last quote from your last entry…

    “Life is pain, highness. And anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.”

    • It seems like two weeks isn’t a lot of time. And while I haven’t seen you walking around lately (or at least trying), it seems like that’s not enough time to get better. I mean, what do I know? I’m no expert, but I’m not going to hold my breath, you know? In the mean time, I’m panicking about shit. :/

  4. I really wish I could help somehow. I know exactly where you are with these emotions because I’ve lived with them for so long. I spent a lot of time being bitter angry and resentful because I felt like I worked so hard to get nowhere and others just get handed what their little hearts desire. I never realized how much energy I burned up feeling this way, at least not for a long time. It wasn’t long ago that I realized it and started actively trying to change it. I had to figure out that for me my resentment didn’t change the fact that things aren’t always fair. But that resentmentade me a very bitter person all the time. Now I see things that others get or have or the good in their lives and I have to actually remind myself to be happy for them. I know that sounds wrong somehow but the bitterness was eating me up. So now I try to be happy for others, try not to compared life to theirs, and remember that my turn will come. I know it probably sounds like its easy to do, it’s not. I still feel slighted at times but when that resentment starts building up I have to swallow hard and move on. It’s hard. And sometimes I dont want to, but being bitter about everything everyone else got or had was only killing myself. I was so busy feeling resentful I had no room for anything else. I hope that makes sense.

    I hope I don’t make it sound like you should do the same thing, or that it’s easy to do, I just don’t want you be eaten up with bitterness and rage like I was. Keep going forward, there will be many setbacks on the road to your goals, but your turn will come too. Plus you said yourself HLB life is not all peaches and cream. You’ll be more grateful and appreciative of what you have when you get there, because apparently they don’t know the joy that happens when you reach a goal you’ve worked hard for.

    • And I think the thing that scares me the most is that I’m going to end up a nasty, embittered old woman. I don’t want to be like that. It scares me. I don’t want to make other lives’ miserable because I’m feeling that way and want to “share the pain,” so to speak. That’s wrong and unfair and so fucking scary I don’t know where to begin to describe how scared I am of it becoming a reality.

      • Yeah. It was for me for a long time. Now I have purposely work towards not being that way, and for me, being a pessimist, negativity comes so naturally for me. it’s probably sad but I have to make myself think differently. I’m just glad you have a lot of people on your life who are there for you in lots of ways. I’m going through some stuff myself, but having to go through it practically completely alone makes it so much harder than it should be. Don’t get too down keep working towards what you want and one day you will have it.

  5. Pingback: Success Breeds Success, and Failure Leads to a Sort of Fallow Period. | Mystical Bewilderment on The Spiritual Turnpike

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