Bridal Showers and Wedding Thoughts Go Hand in Hand.

I have never gone to a bridal shower before. Well, I mean, before today, that is. I guess I just I didn’t know anyone who had gotten married, which isn’t strictly true. I know I’ve had friendships with people who had been married… Oh. BFTX was married, but I was 2000 miles away when all of that stuff was going down. So, I guess the real thing is that I’ve never had a chance to go to a bridal shower before. I’m almost positive that I don’t want to have to go to one ever again.

The whole process is so very muddied. We were all congregated in groups of the people we knew. Other tables didn’t co-habitate or get to know one another. There were little games, which were cute and fun (because I’m a nerd, my table got fifty points for one of the games). But, the whole process was draining. I’m a home-body to the point of agoraphobia. If I can just stay at home and veg out with my son and TH, then I’m all set to go. Being around all of those people, whom I didn’t know and will probably never know after the wedding was just a lot to handle all at once. But, in reality, the biggest problem with the process was the fucking questions.

“So, when are you and TH going to tie the knot?”

Three years ago, TH asked me to marry him. He gave me a shiny diamond ring that I wore very proudly and very prominently. I was excited to wear it and excited to show it off. At the time, his family didn’t think it was a good idea for us to get engaged because things were so shit. The advice was that we should wait until things had settled down for the two of us and we were more stable. For whatever reason, TH decided against this. And I had the big ideas and the big thoughts. I wanted the big wedding and my little brother flown up to walk me down the aisle and I wanted my mom to watch me and celebrate, too. I wanted the whole big fucking thing with the family and the showers and the parties and the flowers and the dresses and the fittings and the honeymoon. I got a lot of thoughts in my head because I had a slap-dash wedding once and no one was there that I really wanted to be there (long story; not important).

Then, some time last year, I lost the diamond out of my ring. I had long since stopped having scenes of our wedding in my mind’s eye. We had both stopped discussing the idea of cementing our relationship in that piece of paper that’s mandated by all and sundry. By that time, I wore it because it was something to go on my finger because I had grown used to it. Had I stopped loving TH? No. I still love him, even when he’s being a complete turd.

The thing is that I had long since grown inured to the whole marriage thing and so had TH. The last time we discussed it, he mentioned, “What’s the point? Doesn’t it always make things worse?” And yeah, you know, he has a point. We’ve had married friends that ended in failure; my marriage ended in failure; and we both got to listen to our parents argue late into the night as children. Maybe, you know, marriage isn’t all that there is. (Recently, I was told by a married woman that she loves her husband and her kids, but getting married was a piece of paper that made taxes harder and fucked them on health insurance.)

So, today, I told TH’s mother that we weren’t going to get married. I told her that we would never, ever get married at this point. Jokingly, I had told someone a while back that maybe I’ll just legally change my last name to his so that my son didn’t get curious later on in life. (Or, maybe, half-joking.)

The thing is that I don’t know about the whole marriage thing. I still have ideas and dreams about getting married in the woods with golden leaves all around. I still think about my son in a little tuxedo and walking with me down the aisle (I love MLB but R would be great to give me away, too). And I think about having BFMA and BFTX both down there, laughing at me as I stumble. And my mom’s hanging out with my grandparents and my side of the family, and how TH’s family is all sitting on the other side of the aisle and trying to figure out who is who on my side. (My family outweighs him by more than half.) But it seems as time goes by, those ideas and dreams and thoughts get further and further away. It seems to fall down a deep, dark crevasse and I’m not interested in doing all of the spelunking necessary to get it all back.

So. At this point?

No. I’m not getting married again.

And at this point?

I doubt I ever will.

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