I’ve mentioned quite a lot about the basic premise of myself, which is that I am one of the most uncertain people you will ever meet. I put on a fair show about how I know what I’m doing and that what I have to do is simple enough, but that’s an act. In reality, I’m so shaken and uncertain inside that I disgust myself with it. It’s always, “but what if…?” And it’s always me waffling back and forth, hemming and hawing about what I need to do and what I need to get done. It’s always so irritating and it’s always so obnoxious. This is a part of who I am, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
I honestly wonder where it came from. I don’t think I was this bad as a teenager or in my early twenties. I don’t think I constantly questioned myself as strongly as I find myself doing now. I often wonder at the pathology behind this sudden-onset deer-in-headlights mode. Maybe I’m wrong and I did suffer from this in some way as a teenager and in my early twenties. Maybe I’m right and it’s a new thing. All I know is that it is so hard to freeze in the middle of the decision making process and going, Am I doing what’s right? Is this going to work out? Is this what I want? What if? What if? What if? To say it’s fucking irritating is a fucking understatement. It makes me so angry and upset with myself that I’m liable to end up sulking about it the whole uncertainty aspect for hours, days, weeks.
If anyone has been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know I’ve mentioned this dilemma—the constant questioning—on quite a few occasions. My most recent occasion was when I mentioned the job prospect.
Now, in letting all of this out, a friend of mine has really been helping me. She has a therapist that I want and sometimes, they discuss things that correlate with this issue that I have. Perhaps because of that or perhaps because of something else, she’s been able to get me to see a good deal of epiphany-related moments because of all of this. Today, she gave me yet another moment. She posted this on my wall on Facebook today. And I read it twice just to make sure I was getting what the message was. And she said, “This seems relevant, somehow.” And she was right; it was definitely relevant.
For those who won’t click on that link, let me just give you a little idea of what it’s about. It’s about knowing yourself and making decisions. It’s exactly what I needed to hear in regards to my constant uncertainty, questioning, and nail-biting. It’s pretty much exactly what I needed to get through the decision-making process.
So, in relation to the decision making process, I went out earlier and let my mind roam. I was on my way to run boring errands, so it was the perfect moment for my mind to wander around it’s space and figure shit out. With that article in the back of my mind, I placed it in reference to the job situation. I placed it in reference to that particular moment and I discovered something. It doesn’t matter what the job is if it’s in retail. It doesn’t matter how much money I would make or how much I wouldn’t. The outcome would be the same: I would have a honeymoon phase for two to three months where everything was rainbows and butterflies coming out of my ass. And then, I would hate it. I would hate it and despise and bemoan how much I hated and despised it. And I would stick it out because I don’t think I’m the kind of person other people would want to hire (since I don’t see myself as actually having any skills). And I would end up sticking it out until I quit in a huff or I was fired for something retarded.
I’ve done this song and dance before and it’s never changed.
So while I want to make things better and happier and brighter. And while I want to get back to work and be able to casually become materialistic again, I don’t think that job is a good idea. I don’t know what job would be a good idea or if going back to school for something would be in my best interest. All I do know is that working at Home Depot isn’t for me.