I’ve apparently exhausted my unemployment claims benefits. I don’t really know what to do now.
A while back, I was pretty upset with TH. I can’t recall a proper timeline, but it was shortly after the new year started. It began with his strong belief that I had forgotten when his great-uncle’s funeral was. As someone who is obsessed with keeping times straight, this was a faulty observance on his behalf. I don’t forget big things like that. I’m very aware of what needs to be done and plan things accordingly. He just neglected to tell me. As someone who tends to drop things on me as an “oh, by the way…” it’s far more probable that he just forgot to say. There was a lot going on that week with various things, so, it’s possible he forgot. What pissed me off was his staunch belief that I had just forgotten. I was furious.
The fury wasn’t directed at him, per se. It was more along the lines of the situation. It was aggravating that I wouldn’t be there for him or the family. It was irritating that I wouldn’t be there to pray to the gods in asking that the deceased’s soul be allowed through the Duat* without knowing the proper prayers and incantations. It was also annoying because it meant I was stuck at home with my stubborn mule of a child. It was just so irritating for all these reasons. And, of course, because TH was still (and probably still is) under the impression that I was some big fucking dunce who had forgotten a big event.
(* Duat is the name of the Underworld in my belief system.)
This argument was dissolved in the usual manner: we stopped talking about it because it only led to our snarking and sniping at each other. This isn’t the best way to settle disputes, of course. I’m sure there are a lot of therapists out there who would just about grind their teeth and close their eyes in horror at hearing this. However, it’s easier this way. Considering the fact that TH and I don’t really have these types of problems most of the time and considering the fact that we’re both fairly mellow with one another, it seems like the best option. As it is, we’re both incredibly stubborn (which explains why TS is one-trillion times more stubborn than the two of us) and I doubt that discussing the problem—even in if rational was possible—would end up with us figuring out the overall problem anyway. It leaves a lot of things ‘unresolved’ I suppose. And again, I suppose that this isn’t healthy. However, how else are two extremely stubborn assholes like us supposed to fix it otherwise?
I’m getting off topic.
Shortly thereafter, I received a bunch of notices in the mail from various bill collectors. And by “shortly thereafter,” I mean the day of the funeral is when they came in. TH was still hanging out with his family when I grabbed the mail. I was totally irate when I saw that he hadn’t paid a single bill in the month of December. That was supposed to be the one month* that we were expecting me to be unable to pay the bills. As it was, I had to hock some old jewelry to try to pay my car insurance for that month. I mean, I honestly tried to get down with things and pay for stuff. I put my Tarot services on sale, über cheap, just to try to get enough money together to purchase cleaning supplies for the house. (I’m still eternally grateful for everyone who donated to me that month. I don’t think there is ever a way for me to properly repay any of those lovely people.) So, to learn that TH had frittered away his money meant that I just about wanted to go postal on his ass.
(* We were both assuming that the unemployment appeal would be found in my favor and that I would be given a huge stock pile o’ money any day. Those were both true events, but at the time, it was pretty touch and go. I had already begun to worry by mid-December that I would have to go out and prostitute myself, or something, to get money back into the house.)
During these two separate anger-filled times, I was discussing all of these issues with Online Friend (OF) that I’ve been talking about in recent posts. She was incredibly sympathetic to my plight, as well as BFMA. They both agreed that I deserved better. And while that’s always a very nice thing to say (not) when a person is having difficult trials with their significant other, the sentiment behind it was much appreciated by me. What wasn’t so much appreciated was the fact that they both informed me that I should break up with TH, immediately, and get on with my life.
Now, the argument that I most understood in this was from BFMA. She’s been watching my relationship with TH for as long as it’s existed. She was there when we first met. Hell, it was because of her that I met TH to begin with, so it’s incredibly possible to say that if it wasn’t for her, then there wouldn’t be a relationship to be angry about. Since she’s been around the longest, she’s watched as I’ve gone back and forth on my relationship with TH. I’ve had a lot of bad moments (and I’m pretty sure that so has TH) where things seem too overwhelming for me. In most situations, this is usually in regards to money or in regards to TH’s at-home demeanor. To me, he tends to think of me as a house elf that will make sure everything is done. When he was out of work for nearly half the year last year, it really burned my biscuits when I would come home from a twelve-hour (or more) day and be expected to cook and clean. I had a house-husband, so why the fuck should I bother? In reality, most (if not all) of our arguments are almost solely based on either money or cleaning. And that’s pretty much it.
So, it was BFMA who reminded me that we had been having issues like these before. She reminded me that I had talked with him quite a few times about how he had to change his outlook in either the area of cleaning (if that was the problem of the moment) or in the arena of money (if that was the problem of the moment). “He changes just enough so that you think he’s making progress and then, he reverts right back within a month or three.” And I thought back to this and thought, You know, she’s right! He does do that, doesn’t he? It was pointed out to me that I never let him grow up and take responsibility for anything. I was the one who had put the bills in my name and made sure they got paid, only telling TH when to give me money and how much. I was the one who would make lists of “do dishes, do laundry, etc.” to make sure that shit got done when I was too busy to do so. I felt that BFMA had a very valid point: I had never let TH grow up.
The bandwagon had been started. OF was entirely on board with what BFMA was saying. There were numerous conversations between the three of us, via G-chat, that ended up with us all discussing about how much my relationship was teh-suck and needed to be ended, forthwith. I wasn’t too thrilled with this prospect for various reasons.
There’s the fact that TH and I have been together for a long time. It felt that I would be doing him a complete disservice to not give him a chance to change, or to give him and I other options to make manifest the sweeping changes that we were supposed to desire and need. There’s the fact that even though TH is an incredibly lazy and selfish brat a lot of the time, he is a very good father. I don’t approve of all of his methods, but he and TS are very close. (Obviously, he can never take the place of Mommy since I am just about the most awesome thing that TS has ever come into contact with, but… Hee, hee.) They bond and play in ways that I just couldn’t possibly do with him. It seemed like I was being a complete asshole in taking TS’s father away because I hadn’t given him options or chances again. Then there was the practical side to the whole mess: I’m fucking unemployed. How the hell am I supposed to live on my pittance without TH’s aid? It would be a long while before child support rolled around for reasons I’m not getting into (never mind the fact that the court system takes for-fucking-ever). BFMA offered to move in and help me out, but this didn’t seem right. It seemed like I was jettisoning one not-so-great partner for someone else, even though it’s, you know, BFMA. And then there’s the main reason: I love TH. I really and honestly do.
But, when I pointed this out to both OF and BFMA, I was informed that I’m “in love with TH’s potential to grow” but not actually in love with him. This led to discussions about how I probably wasn’t attracted to TH and that’s why we never have sex. This led to more discussions about things that I wasn’t (A) comfortable talking about with anyone (even if one of those people just so happened to be a bestie) and (B) made me vastly upset on a scale that I don’t think I’ve ever actually been at before. I was so depressed and upset by the discussions the three of us were having that I pretty much just reverted into myself. It was around this time that I stopped really wanting to do much of anything, either online or in real life.
It felt to me that both BFMA and OF were using tactics to get what they wanted from me. I’m not sure if that’s really the case, but that’s how it felt to me. They were telling me to do something big and huge that I wasn’t very certain about. I stopped putting myself into situations where the three of us would talk about it. In effect, I stopped going online or I would be online in small doses so that they couldn’t catch me in chat. I was so depressed at the prospect of losing TH and of breaking up my family that I just hated to do anything that would bring the conversation up again.
What really made me feel the worst was a moment when I felt like OF was orchestrating events to get things to work out the way she wanted.
The first bit was one of the last conversations between BFMA, OF, and I via G-chat. I was already feeling low and depressed, but I couldn’t get out of the conversation the three of us were having. Without my knowing it, BFMA and OF were discussing via a separate chat window about something or other. Finally, OF said that BFMA had something big and important to tell me, but she was busy having a panic attack over whatever the hell it was. I was worried for any manner of reasoning because there’s no telling what could be going on in BFMA’s head. She’s bi-polar and there’s lot of reasons for her to be having panic attacks, both in her head and in reality. I was wondering if I should go over there to make sure that she was okay when OF said that TH had been hitting on BFMA in various ways, especially during our no-sex phases. I pretty much just stopped at that moment.
Now, I’ve given this a lot of thought. And by “a lot of thought,” I mean that I’ve obsessed over it a lot. I’ve looked at it from a rational stand-point, as well as a paranoid stand-point. In all cases, I can’t help but wonder if it’s true. I don’t see why BFMA would lie about it, though, because she’s supposed to be my best friend. Why would a best friend lie about something of this caliber? And I’ve come to think that maybe she hasn’t lied about it, per se, but it’s her perception of things said. I’m not saying that she’s a liar or that she’s said this to hurt me or that it didn’t happen, but that I’m not entirely positive that what she said to have happened is the reality of the situation. The examples that OF listed off as his having said seem unlikely, though I’m not ruling it out. It’s possible that I’m just blinded by past paranoia. And it’s actually that past paranoia that I keep coming up against, like a brick wall.
When BFMA and I first started really hanging out with TH, he admitted to me that he was attracted to BFMA. She’s an attractive woman so that stands to reason. That admission, however, brought about unresolved issues with BFTX and made it more apparent that those issues were affecting me in my relationship with BFMA. (What are those issues? I actually have a post started about said issues, so I’m not going to get into it. Suffice it to say that I have extreme jealousy issues with both best friends, compounded by an inferiority complex in relation to them both.) Those issues have always been there between BFMA and I but I never gave them much credence as I’ve done with BFTX. They were personal and something unresolved that I felt didn’t bring much bearing or merit to the friendships in question. So, it was really just a matter of, “Oh, hey. You feel this way. That’s interesting, huh?” And that was that.
Anyway… rambling again.
The reason I keep hitting this paranoia is that it’s ruined relationships for me before, without the addition of someone saying something like, “Oh. Your guy has so been hitting on your best friend behind your back.” That’s just icing on the fucked up cake, in all honesty. However, I’ve made it clear to BFMA that I had issues way back in the day between her and TH. They were my issues and they weren’t going to affect things negatively, but they were around. In the paranoia-verse, I can’t help but think that OF learned about this from one of her conversations with BFMA and began orchestrating things without BFMA realizing it. If she’s reading this, then she’s just shaking her head with tears in her eyes that I don’t believe her. However, it’s actually really easy to use and take advantage of BFMA without her realizing it. She’s incredibly gullible. I don’t know if this is because she has a big heart and is always looking for the best in people or just because it’s the image she was created in. All I do know is that she’s admitted as much time and time again.
Isn’t it possible that OF heard something that she felt she could manipulate to get me to see her point-of-view?
And I HATE that this was even able to get into my head. I HATE that I felt this way at any point. OF was supposed to be my friend and she was supposed to care about me. But the fact that I could possibly think this says something in and of itself, now doesn’t it? You don’t suspect wrong-doing of someone unless you feel that there is a basis for said wrong-doing. It wasn’t until after TSO cheated on me the first time that I began to pay credence to the rumors that he fucked around behind my back all the time. I don’t know how or why I thought OF could be this manipulative, but it was the first thoughts that came to mind after the conversation where I was informed that TH had been “creeping” on BFMA behind my back.
The last straw, I think, was OF trying to get me to break up with him via religious reasons.
Let me just say this first. I don’t get into my spiritual or religious background on this blog for a reason. I think this is actually the first post that I’ve even made reference to it. The reason I keep my religious life separate from this blog is because I know I have a few people who wouldn’t understand or don’t want to understand it. BFTX is Christian, after all, and I know that she reads this journal now and again. With that being said, it’s out of respect for her (more so than anyone or anything else, honestly) that I keep my spiritual practices in quiet mode via this blog. Not to mention, I do have a blog that’s entirely focused on said spiritual and religious practices. It seems silly to co-mingle. So, there’s that.
However, the last straw (as I said) was when OF tried to explain to me that TH is very negative towards my belief system and that he is not very supportive. “You deserve someone who will support you in your religious practices,” I believe is what she said. She raises a valid point. A lot of relationships have high contentions when it comes to differing religious practices. When I was with MEH, it just about broke us up when I explained to him that I wanted to explore a pagan religious practice. Since he was “devoutly” (said loosely, since as I’ve explained he was trying very much to bring Taoism into his practice) Christian, what I was doing was tantamount to witchcraft and idolatry, both of which meant that I was cavorting with the devil… or something. As I’ve said, on numerous occasions he would have a full-blown hissy fit when I would pull out my Tarot cards and he hid them on me/threw them out on me on quite a few occasions before I laid the smack down about that.
TH, however, is far more tolerant than that when it comes to my religious practices. He doesn’t snicker when I talk about gods. He doesn’t roll his eyes when I pull out my Tarot cards. He doesn’t take part in anything that I do, but he doesn’t make me feel like I’m two-inches tall because I have a belief system that he doesn’t understand/adhere to. I think that’s pretty big, all things considered, since I know that most people with significant others that don’t practice the same religion have a lot of issues when it comes to religious belief, practices, and backgrounds. The thing that OF was pointing out as TH not being supportive is that he considers himself a “devil’s advocate” and will do what he can to elicit disbelief in others’ viewpoints just based on the merit that no one knows who is or isn’t right. I actually find this an admirable trait since most people can’t possibly see things so widely that they can take the view of a dedicated Christian to try to see how strong your beliefs are, before taking the viewpoint of a dedicated pagan and doing likewise with a Christian.
Call me crazy, I suppose.
I didn’t want to hear it anymore at this point. I just was finished with the whole thing, but it’s like I couldn’t bring myself to say, “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” I wanted to wash my hands of it. However, I’m not sure if this is OF by nature, but she does tend to push when she thinks she’s right. This is a trait that I tend to have, although, I have learned when to pull myself back and when to shut up [mostly]. Instead of pulling away and just leaving the situation to work out as it is, she pushes and pushes.
In fact, OF pushed so hard as to tell me that my spirits were telling her that I needed to break up with him because of his disrespect. This, I felt, was an abuse of power. It seemed petty and cruel that she would bring up my religious practice in the first place, but that she would continue with it made it that much worse. The true and final point to all of this was when she told me that if I wanted the pagan lifestyle that I had admitted to her that I wanted, then I would have to jettison TH because he would always hold me back. I was told that not only would I never be able to achieve the status I want in my pagan life, but that I had to choose between a magical life or a mundane one: the two, she assured, me were not mutually exclusive*. She also was quick to assure me that I would find a man in my life who did support me magically shortly after I broke up with TH. This is when I stopped allowing the conversations to happen.
(* I have to stop and say something about this. It’ll be brief because I feel that this is a conversation better left to my religious blog, but I have to say that if the two are not mutually exclusive, I know a great many pagans who are putting up a good showing of it.)
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the last bit of her “assurances” the most. I don’t doubt that she sees the future, but I do doubt the validity of the statement she made. The thing is that I believe that when it comes to Tarot and visions and candle readings and what have you, we’re only given the perception of a specific version of the future. The reason we are able to see said vision is because we are being given the opportunity to change said vision. It is within anyone and everyone’s power to change things. However, it is also possible to predict said futures were a personal spin put into place. (This, above all else, is why I do not like to know what questions my customers are asking when they want a Tarot reading or why I want as few details as possible.) So, if someone were to see me breaking up with TH and then some faceless man coming into my life who would support me in my religious practices, then they could interpret it as simply that. However, my thoughts were, isn’t it possible that it isn’t us breaking up but that I finally talk to him, realistically and honestly, about what I want from my religion that makes him become supportive of it?
This was an underlying current in the “blow up” that happened between OF and I. It wasn’t the main catalyst, but it was a major portion to why I felt severing ties was best done as opposed to trying to keep things afloat. I felt that it was possible that she was manipulating me, my life, and my future for whatever reason. To think so negatively of a person means, to me, that it’s best to go separate ways. I also know that no matter how many times I would (in future) try to advise her to either stay out of my relationship with TH or in my attempts to advise her to keep her spoons to herself would only end in future blow ups between us. And of course, I can’t help but feel that she was doing all of this for some reason that I can’t possible see. All I know is that I can’t attach myself to someone who I see so badly and that it isn’t fair to anyone in my family to do so.
So, as can plainly be seen, I am still with TH. And I don’t talk to OF anymore. It’s still rather up in the air as to whether my relationship with BFMA is fine or not. At this point, considering everything that I’ve listed here… I think I made the right choice(s).
I miss BFMA but I think it’s best if we take a long break and come back to things later on. This leaves me very vulnerable and very lonely because she was literally my only friend in this area. I have acquaintances that I text or speak to, but she was the only one who could get me out of the house and away from TH/TS for any length of time. She also had a knack for making me laugh. And there’s always the possibility of Turkey Hill Birthday Cake ice cream coupled with Tostitos; dumb romance movies that need to be made fun of; a thousand personal jokes… But there are other issues in our fractured relationship than just a choosing of sides in a blow up between two friends, jealousy/inferiority, and a mash of other things. One day, I’ll talk about it. But not today.
In the last week, I’ve had to contend with a lot of bullshit all at once. It’s really made me feel weak and unable to cope, honestly. I don’t like feeling that way, either, because I’m supposed to be this strong bitch who can stand up to anything that’s thrown at me. Unfortunately, it’s just a part of how I feel and what I feel like I’ve been going through. And with all that in mind, it occurred to me that I should probably unburden myself. All I’m going to say is that if you don’t like what the hell you read, then just stop fucking reading it. I’m not interested in dealing with yet more bullshit on top of what I’m already dealing with.
When I choose my friends, both online and in real life, I tend to go for people who have similar emotional issues to myself. I’m not sure if this is the case with everyone else or if it’s just a little quirk that I, myself, have. I’d like to believe that I’m not the only person who ends up doing this (mostly because it makes more sense to me that others follow similar friend-finding patterns and then I won’t feel so lonely in all of this). Pretty much, I seem to look for the person who will understand my emotional turmoil because they have been through similar or they may, indeed, have actually experienced it as well. I also seem to find people who have more issues than I do. I don’t know if this is because my friend-finding patterns are set to “maximum” or if it’s just because I happen to have a look about me that says, Issues? Come on down! Let’s work on them together!
In all reality, I think I look for the people who are the most lost, whether they realize it or not. As examples, I have BFTX to hand. BFTX and I have been friends since we were both eleven years old. To say that she had issues is an understatement. Part of the reason the two of us became as close as we are/were was because we had such similar issues with abandonment and daddy issues. Later on, experiences that she had were mirrored in my life and vice versa. It was as though I were to meet up with her in an effort to work out my issues through her and she was to meet me to work out her issues through me. And even though the lesson may not be exactly learned or it’s lost in translation, the work has been started at the very least. Oft-times, I think the two of us fed off of each other in an effort to fix the overall: two halves of one coin, so to speak, which made it that much easier to work on the issues. If they’re the same, then what fixes her must fix me and vice versa, right? And even if I couldn’t make headway into the problem we were facing… there is always the need to help; to assist.
And that, I believe, is the strongest point to all of this.
I have this insane compulsion to help fix these people, possibly to help alleviate whatever fucked up shit is living in my head, but also to fix them. It’s like we’re living a symbiotic lifestyle of a sort. However, instead of having some Facehugger attach to your face long enough to impregnate you with a Chestburster, our lives aren’t quite so violently attached. (Not to mention, I’m pretty sure I’d remember being out of it for a few hours while that fucker knocked me up. Or, if not, someone would have said something by now.) Instead, we can pull away and ignore one another or live up each others’ butts if the need arises. In either case, it doesn’t really matter because the same, basic fact is the same: I need to help these people.
And that’s really a big fucking problem for me.
At the start of the month, I wrote an entry about the Spoon Metaphor. (After a lot of searching, I finally managed to come up with the actual Spoon Theory article that got this whole thing started almost exactly a year ago.) The reason I wrote this entry was because I had an epiphany after a minor spat between myself and another friend of mine (someone I’ve only met online but who I considered a teacher/friend of sorts). The two of us had been going back and forth for a while at that point, but due to other reasons I’m not interested in spelling out at the moment. This one, however, seemed to come out of left field as I was asking her a question that I merely wanted her input on. I was informed that she “didn’t have the answers” and that I should “seek answers elsewhere.” Obviously, I’m paraphrasing here since I don’t feel like recalling words said word-for-word, but the point is that she really hurt my feelings. It felt like she was lashing out at me for something that I didn’t know about or understand.
(Back story: She was in the middle of an argument with a mutual online friend of ours about something that mutual online friend of ours had posted on my spiritual blog.)
I was reaching out to this person and she was shoving me away. And I was utterly dismayed, hurt, and upset by the whole process. I remember sitting on the couch with tears in my eyes. I remember staring at my ancestral altar and saying, “Fine. Fuck you, too. I don’t need your help.” And in that instance, I suppose thanks is a bit necessary because I didn’t really need her help after all. The question I was asking was tossed out there because I was nervous and uncertain about something that I was attempting for the first time. And in that capacity, I should be grateful. However, the overwhelming hurt of being shunted aside because I was merely asking something has overrode the necessity of being grateful to her for that little bit. The fact that a friend of mine was lashing out at me, even if it wasn’t necessarily on purpose, was enough to make me dial it back and think seriously about how many spoons I had and how many I was giving away.
And that’s when I realized that amid the drain and amid the pain and amid the depression that I’ve been battling for months, I didn’t have enough spoons to get me through anymore. I had given them all away.
That friend of mine who was rude and snarky towards me had her husband message me. She was having a breakdown. She had a seizure. She was on bed rest. She was sorry for coming off that way. And I realized that the reason she was having a break down was because she had given away all of her spoons! It was another [smaller] epiphany about the whole situation. And it was in looking at it in that capacity that I realized that I could see passed what had come between us. It was in that moment when I realized that she wasn’t really being mean to me or trying to upset me, but that she was just having a spoonless breakdown.
And that’s when I really realized that I had to scale back my Mardi Gras Parade Float o’ Spoon Giving. I didn’t want to end up like my friend: stuck in bed after a major break down, fearful that a trip to the hospital would be on its way. I didn’t want to end up that way. I have a son, dogs, and a husband that depends on me. I couldn’t afford to have a break down. So, I avowed that I would be scaling back and that I would be ignoring anyone who wanted my damn spoons. They were mine. (That might sound selfish, but it’s important that spoons be given away sparingly. The allotment is only so big)
However, I have this insane compunction to help. So, even though I had decided that all of my damn spoons were my damn spoons and that people could just go and fuck off if they so much as looked at them wrong, I’m not really good about keeping up with that internal promise. Don’t get me wrong; I tried desperately to stay out of things so that no one could possibly ask about having one of my spoons. The thing is that I have all of these friends, both in real life and online, that are as fucked up as I am and as I’ve said, I just want to help; I just want to fix it for them. I want to wave that magic fucking wand and make it all better for them and for me, but mostly for them because maybe I don’t think that they deserve the horse pucky they’re dealing with. And besides, isn’t that what friends do? Isn’t that the whole point in being a friend, to help?
Yes. But not to the detriment of you.
About a week after my Spoon Metaphor posting, I ended up writing a rant-like blog entry because of said online friend. Earlier in the day, she was going on about something. I honestly don’t remember what it was and, as I’ve said, just because I decide something that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to stick with it. So, I was offering her some advice. I ended up telling her to remember the Spoon Metaphor and the whole point behind it. I reminded her that she had to keep her own fucking spoons, no matter what was going on.
She misinterpreted what I was saying.
I don’t think she ever actually understood the whole Spoon Metaphor thing that I had actually written about. In fact, it’s quite possible that she didn’t read my original Spoon Metaphor posting. I don’t know, but all I know is that she took the point to mean that I was telling her to shut her feelings off. I decided that it was in my best interest to let her go ranting on about it and stay out of it. She wasn’t going to listen to what I had to say. She might even interpret my back-pedaling as me trying to rectify a possible fight between us or some such shit. So, I shrugged it off and said, “Yeah, whatever.” It wasn’t worth the whole trying to explain the Spoon Theory to her or worth rectifying her misinterpretation. It was only hurting her; it wasn’t hurting me.
For a while, anyway.
I receive notifications in my inbox when people who I follow on WP update their blogs. So, when I received an update, I was pretty excited. I actually really enjoy reading other people’s journals: the opinions, experiences, and feelings are all very intriguing to me. So, I went to the blog in question and was thrilled to see that another friend of mine had finally updated their blog after a prolonged silence. It was exciting, except… the entry was about exactly what my online friend had been ranting about after I had spoken to her about following the Spoon Metaphor. And since the three of us are all friends, of a manner, I knew that the two of them had been discussing what I had said and had been discussing the misinterpretation that my online friend had been living under. And I was hurt. And I was angry. And I just wanted to blow up.
Instead, I ended up writing this blog entry. I suppose it could be considered a rant because it does have a general rant tone to it. However, it really wasn’t meant as a slap in the face or as a way to get back at anyone. It was just me letting out how I felt. I guess what really got to me was that I was being penalized (afterward) for writing how I felt and what I thought. I guess what really got to me was that I didn’t want to discuss the whole situation until I was calm, but that friend of mine kept pushing at me. She was victimizing herself before my eyes—maybe even forcing herself into another seizure—and I was supposed to just let it happen. And all because I had gone to my blog and used it for what it’s for: unburdening myself.
There’s nothing quite like being prodded and poked and made to feel guilty because you wrote how you feel. It’s almost like being made to feel guilty for falling in love or for being depressed. Sure, this happens. However, when I was upset and angry, I unleashed my emotions into a blog entry in an effort to get it all out so that it wouldn’t eat at me like everything else in my life seemed to be doing lately. And I was penalized for it.
In fact, I still feel penalized for it.
The girl who this entry has been entirely about has removed herself from the Internet. I’ve felt absolutely no desire to read other people’s blogs because I’m worried that I’ll find some entry about how much I suck or don’t understand what other people feel because I’ve “never been there.” I’ve thought about removing my Twitter account because that’s what started this whole bullshit mess in the first place. I’ve considered writing the girl an E-mail saying that I was sorry for voicing my opinion and explaining the point behind the above linked entry to begin with. In the end, all I’ve done all week-long has been to lay or sit on my butt and stare blankly. I’ve spent most of my time with my phone off with my butt attached to the couch while I’ve felt sorry for myself. And all because I used this journal for its purpose.
All I can say is that it really isn’t fair to me to make me feel this way. It really isn’t very fair that anyone would think that I was such a complete and utter fucking douchebag that I would tell them to just “shut off” their emotions. I’ve been on antidepressants before that made it so that I couldn’t feel and if anyone has heard the story behind that, then you know I would never say anything about anyone turning off their emotions or feeling too much. I think it really goes to show how much of a “friend” this person was to me that they would honestly believe that “shutting down” their emotions is exactly what the Spoon Metaphor is about. And of course, to talk about it to someone who I’m fairly close with and get the message even further off from its original point makes it that much worse.
After writing the rant-ish blog entry, a friend of mine said that sometimes fixing the misinterpretation isn’t so bad. She also said that if the person isn’t listening to the response, then walking away is the only thing that can be left to be done in order to save yourself. She also reminded me that this was a pretty big lesson in her search for Unconditional Love: that sometimes loving someone unconditionally meant that walking away was necessary. And I’ve thought about that, off and on, in the last week as I’ve lain pretty much somnambulant on my couch. I’ve thought about walking away and keeping my spoons and Unconditional Love. And I’ve decided that I’m more important than anyone else: I am the most important, in fact. And if walking away is what I have to do then that’s what I have to do.
I have the love and support of the people who I need and want it from. And that’s all that matters.
I end this with something that I received in my inbox the day that all of the final horseshit took place… There is perhaps no more empowering belief, Aubs, than understanding you’re always in control of how you feel. Similarly, understanding that just because you’re not always skipping through tulips with joy doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you. A message from the universe… Even the Universe feels compelled to remind me that I may just be right now and again.
…is nothing more than slavery.
So, let’s say you’re having a conversation with someone you really care about; friend or lover… whomever. And that conversation is mostly one-sided (theirs). You’re mostly there as a verbal punching bag, not because you’re a douchebag but because that friend needs to vent. And during a lull, you toss out some glimmers of decent advice. Then, you get to the point where you’re having this conversation with somebody and you realize, Wow. They so do not get it. At that point in the conversation, you can either try to put things to rights or you can just sit and watch the train wreck.
Personally, I kind of prefer the train wreck scenario. It’s probably not the nicest thing one could do, but it sure is entertaining. Okay. Not just entertaining, though; it’s also nice to watch the train wreck because then you feel superior. And come on, let’s face it: who doesn’t like feeling superior? But, the responsible thing is to fix the misunderstanding… right?
Honestly, I’m beginning to suspect that ‘fixing’ it is really overrated. It means that you have to take more time out of your day to correct the misconception. While that may not take long, I’ve come to find that it can be a real endeavor to correct the misunderstanding somebody else has about what you said, what you believe, and the intent behind it. It can be hours, days, or weeks… if you’re lucky enough to get these people to listen. And you have to really wonder to yourself, is it worth the energy you might use to fix the train wreck?
That’s the whole point right there.
Is. It. Worth. The. Energy.
To be perfectly frank, I have to say that it isn’t. You may love the person and worry for their welfare. You might just want to wave your non-existent magic wand to fix the fuck ups that have caused this conversation to manifest in the first place. However, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to be fixing a damn thing. And besides, how much energy do you want to put into this whole thing? How much time do you want to put into this? Love, friendship, and affection aside: do you have the spoons necessary to correct the mistake? Can you do this?
I’m at the point where the misunderstanding isn’t mine to fix. If someone thinks that you’re that big of an asshole and that you meant whatever misconception they’re throwing around, then the misunderstanding isn’t yours; it’s theirs. They took the message/advice and convoluted it for whatever reason. And on the heels of that, then was it ever really worth the conversation in the first place? Obviously, your affection for the person was misplaced because now they think you’re that asshole who would mean something that grotesque.
At that point, I’m pretty much of the mind that the correction isn’t yours to make. They decided that you were a big-time jerk and ran with it. You know what the intention behind your message was. So why expel the time and energy?
Again. You only have so many damn spoons.
You know that point where you’re pretty sure you suck at everything?
There was an article that I read some time back, written about how a woman contends with being ill everyday. She used the metaphor of spoons for her case. Her stance was that we are all given so many spoons. In a healthy person, the number of spoons isn’t infinite but it is substantially more than a person with lupus (as the article writer was so afflicted) or fybromyalgia. And in similar vein, still more than people with mental disorders, such as manic-depression or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. So, we go throughout our day with a certain number of spoons to do all the things we might need to do on a daily basis: get up, go to work, clean, comfort, write, eat, etc.
There are only so many spoons.
I’m one of those people who give 115% of myself to anyone who needs me. This is where most of my spoons end up going. A bunch go to TH and TS, as my closest family members and the ones who demand the most of my attention span and time. Another bunch goes to BFMA, for all the things she needs. This leaves me with a finite number, but I continue to pass them out to other people anyway: MLB, TN, HLB, MIL, family members from both sides, online friends, complete strangers… And I’m at the point, today at one in the afternoon, when I fucking realize that I’ve already used up my allotted spoons for the fucking day.
And you know what?
Fuck. That. Shit.
Out of all of this giving, I have three spoons handed to me everyday. That’s right; out of the hundreds or more that I give out on a daily basis, only three come back to me. Those would be the ones given to me by TS, and my two dogs. The two four-footed pains in the butt that everyone thinks I should put down and/or get rid of: they both give me a spoon a piece with their open and loving ability to love me unconditionally. They give me love and support and while I’m busy stuck in my head or a face full of tears, they still give back.
Call me fucking insane here, but that seems a little ridiculous. Two spoons from two dogs and a little one from TS.
A friend of mine will often ask me if I’ve given away too many spoons. She’s really good at reminding me that I need to keep some to myself because otherwise I’ll end up as I am now: sick, tired, angsty, bitchy, depressed. And it’s at this moment when another friend was rude and on the cusp of her own spoonless breakdown that I realized I just can’t fucking do this shit anymore. I can’t keep giving every aspect of myself away to everybody and end up where I’m currently: a dark, dank hole and not a single spoon to dig my way out or a helping hand in sight.
I try very hard not to be a selfish person. I will often feel guilty for buying myself books or pajama pants because that is money that could go to something for a friend, a lover, a dog, or my son. I try incredibly hard to be the voice of reason, the foundation block, the person who points out the good things, the strength, the all-knowing. I try very hard to be there for anyone who may need me. And it’s at this point where I asked for a bit of advice and got shat on instead that I flipped the fuck out.
I do not have anymore fucking spoons.
It’s time to be a little selfish and to stop getting wrapped up in what other people need of me.