In Which I Expostulate About Shit.

I hate it when people tell me what to do, especially since it never works out in anybody’s favor. I’m contrary to a fault, which means that I’m more likely to do the exact opposite of what others advise me to do. The silliest thing about that is that, usually, I am asking for the advice in the first place. This is mostly because I like to gather opinions like Satan likes to gather souls. However, what makes me really likely to tell others to ‘fuck off’ is when they get stubborn enough to stop advising and tell me what to do.

It’s a bad habit, I admit, but one I find very difficult to break.

Now, one would assume that because I know this is a bad habit and since I know the end result, I could change it. This is beyond ‘so not the case.’ I don’t think it’s really possible to change dramatic portions of your personality like that. I think it’s more likely that in acknowledging the fault you can mitigate the drastic end result, but you can’t actually rectify the whole personality trait. It would be like a redwood tree trying to grow birch bark: it’s just not going to happen, no matter how much it’s wanted. The only thing to be done is to release a sigh, chalk it up to a dream, and work around the problem in question.

In my case, being contrary.

To be perfectly frank, I strongly believe that this fault of mine stems from being a fiery Leo. (And it probably doesn’t help that, since my name means ‘elven ruler,’ I’ve taken that shit to heart.) Anyway. Leos are supposed to be obnoxiously competent assholes who do shit their way or no way and just know that is how it is, will be, has always been. So, in asking for others to commend me to a path, I’m just asking to piss others off with my high-handed behavior. And, you know, flaunt how awesome I am. But mostly, doing shit my way because I’m awesome like that. (You see what I did there? Hurr, hurr.)

In all honesty, this contrary thing is just a part and parcel to who I happen to be. It’s something that I’ve forewarned a lot of people about it. Unfortunately, for all people involved, then they tend to forget about it until I nod, smile, and do the exact opposite of what they think is in my best interest. I don’t do it to fuck up relationships or friendships or family ties. And even as I’m doing it, I’m thinking, Wow. This is going to cause some ruckus. So, I know that it’s going to shake the boat, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it, either.

I think the big issue that everyone has always told me what is in my best interest. A lot of the time, I really feel like I’m some half-retarded savant that was lucky enough to survive the day-to-day. I mean, I know that I’m not retarded, either by half or completely, but a lot of the time I feel like people think of me that way. A favorite phrase of mine lately has been, I’m not as dumb as I look, folks. I can remember my mom saying that a lot of the time for various reasons over the years and I guess it soaked in. And to be honest? It shouldn’t be the phrase du jour for me. I shouldn’t have to fucking say that shit. It should just be fucking obvious.

For years, I had MEH get to tell me what to do. And I just went along like some dumb shit because I didn’t know any better. Since then, I’ve been pretty positive that it’s my way or the highway. That’s what I’m supposed to be like, right? I mean, I’ve got the whole Leo thing. So, when people nowadays start telling me what to do, but in the flowery “suggestive” way that they have, then I get really fucking pissed. And I see red. And I could give a shit less.

Last night or early this morning, I had a dream about alien abductions. It was actually pretty fucking creepy, à là The Fourth Kind. I looked up the meanings behind being abducted by aliens via Dream Moods this morning after I woke up. According to the site: To dream that you are being abducted by aliens indicates your fear of your changing surroundings or your fear of losing your home and family. You feel that your space and/or privacy is being invaded.” Just for shits and giggles, I figured I’d just look up the word abduction and see what came up. I couldn’t really remember being abducted by aliens via the dream, anyway, so why the hell not, right? According to the site, to dream of being abducted indicates that you are being manipulated by your circumstances or by someone. You lack control of your own life.

Well. Isn’t that something.


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