This entry is brought to you by the letters B (for books), C (for characters), the number 7 (because it’s my favorite) and the entry as written by the Insatiable Bookslut, GreenGeekGirl. Recently, a blog post was written about the top five literary characters that GGG wanted to punch in the face. This, to me, is a novel (hurr, hurr) concept. And the clearest form of flattery is to steal an idea, use the fuck out of it, and present it with a link to the original post. As can be seen, I’ve done the linking part. Now, it’s time to do the first two.
7. Kitty Norville in the first book of series of same name.
Let me first say that Carrie Vaughn is an amazing writer. I have every book in the series and I’ve read them all a hundred times. Every time a new book comes out, I’m all over that like white on fucking rice. I am nothing, if not, loyal. And when it comes to series that make me happy for some reason? I am even more fucking loyal. So the fact that the main character, in any capacity, has made it to this very list should convey something. Oh, yeah. It conveys something, all right.
Kitty is a whining, fucking bitch.
Now, let me just say that these books are about werewolves. (Yes, I do paranormal romance. Do you want to make something of it? I have no problem Google searching you, hunting you down, and making you feel guilty by crying in your face.) So, in the grand scheme of things, the fact that this book is written about a lead female who is not the alpha bitch of the pack should lead one to conclude that it’s the werewolf-equivalent of a coming-of-age tale. And if it’s not, well, I just gave the premise away. (Oh, well.)
However, this character is the epitome of a whiny git that for the first half of the book, you’re just trying your damnedest to not rip your hair out by the roots while you’re screaming, “GROW A FUCKING BACKBONE.” To say that her whining, sniveling, puppy-dog-eye act is overwrought and irritating? Well, that’s the understatement of the fucking year. It can be so bad that I had a friend I loaned these books out to. She called me up in a snit, demanding to know if Kitty grew a pair because if not, she would not be able to tolerate the whole nine-book series. Yeah, she’s just that bad.
The real problem is that, of course, if you know anything about wild wolf packs, the character can’t actually grow a back bone without causing a lot of issues later on… which she does anyway. It is that aspect and that aspect alone that really redeems the character in the reader’s eyes and makes you more than willing to see her grow up, start her own pack, and become the biggest, baddest, bitchiest alpha bitch in the history of werewolf alpha bitches. Whoops, should I have something about spoilers there? Ah, well.
6. Alcide Herveaux from the BOOKS, not the show.
Charlaine Harris is one of my all-time favorite paranormal romance authors. Her books are gritty and suck you in from the fucking get-go. The fact that she has only two more books coming out makes me one sad bibliophile. I mean, honestly, what the fuck else am I to look forward to every fucking May? And in reality, it’s not like I can get into the television series, True Blood, at all. (I have a serious issue when it comes to books and the camera-versions not matching up and from what I have seen and heard, the HBO version is nothing like the fucking series.) So after May of 2013, I will seriously have to start contemplating killing myself or tolerating Sookie Stackhouse withdrawal. That being said…
I fucking hate Alcide Herveaux.
Whenever I re-read the series and I come to Club Dead, I instantly clench my teeth because I know that Charlaine Harris is going to introduce this beautiful, sexy, and smart man who seems like a really fucking fantastic match for Sookie. And of course, since it’s a book in the romance genre, that’s all you want to read about is how she can get it on, guilt-free, with the love of her life. It’s all about the happy ever after ending here, people, but I can pretty much assure you that Alcide Herveaux is the antithesis to happily ever fucking after.
We begin the tale with him being forced to help Sookie out of a bind because his dad is a gambler. You start to feel really bad for him there. And immediately, there’s some kind of zing going on between the two. You can feel it even in the book. After they say their goodbyes at the end of that book, you start to look forward to seeing him again. And hoping that he will do his damned best to taking care of Sookie and getting her out of the ‘terrible vampire atmosphere’ that she constantly finds herself embroiled. WRONG.
After this, he gets all whiny because she rejects him. And then, he uses her to get things that he wants, after whining about how she doesn’t care about him the way that he obviously cares about her. EVEN THOUGH, he’s incredibly busy being hung up on his homicidal ex-girlfriend. Then, when Sookie kills her in self-defense (the homicidal ex-girlfriend), he gets even more down with the whining, suspicious, asshole behavior that makes every woman want to punch a guy in the gonads with a nail-studded baseball bat.
They’re at the point, now, in the books where they have an okay relationship but I still feel homicidal menace inside of me whenever I read the words, “Alcide Herveaux,” on the page.
5. Princess Irulan.
I don’t have a personal problem with her, per se. She’s doing what she can to survive. However, she takes her survival skills completely out of hand when she starts plotting against Paul in the book, Dune Messiah. I mean, for fuck’s sake, how fucking fucked up can you be that you spend YEARS slipping birth control pills into the food of your-rival-in-love? And THEN, you get cold feet when you’re ordered to have her abort the fetus when she finally manages to get knocked up because she spends months away from you? Yeah, yeah. Okay. That makes total fucking—NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T. And of course, as a way to make nice-nice and live guilt-free, she takes care of the products of that conception for the rest of her life. Oh, yeah. WAY TO WIN, PRINCESS IRULAN. WAY TO WIN.
Quick note: I love Virginia Madsen, but I always liked her better as the Princess Irulan than Julie Cox. (AND ALSO, THEY ARE APPARENTLY REMAKING ANOTHER ONE SUPPOSEDLY. THEY’RE REMAKING THE DUNE MOVIE YET FUCKING AGAIN. I reserve judgement.)
4. Random Redcoat that Kills Murtagh.
Let me relate some history here.
Way back in the early 2000s, I had a boss who read as avidly as I did. My reading tended to be more towards the science fiction or horror areas, if I wasn’t so interested in some historical tidbit that I had to track down. This woman got me started on the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. This is when I first discovered historical fiction, outside of ancient Egypt, and learned that I loved the fucking hell out of it.
Now, Murtagh is the character to end all bad-ass characters. He is the fucking awesome to the le sauce. Let’s think about all of the badassery that is Theodore fucking Roosevelt. And then, let’s apply that badassery to Murtagh Fraser who is the Scottish Highland version of Theodore fucking Roosevelt. It would surprise me greatly if Diana Gabaldon didn’t have a long list of TR’s badassery to hand when she was creating this fucking kickass character for her novel. And then, let’s add all of that knowledge to the fact that some asshole Redcoat fucking kills the shit out of said badass because he was unfortunately forced to fight at the Battle of Culloden. And that’s when pure hatred sets in. It would have been like having Teddy join some far off battle years after his presidency and then some random fucking asshat gets a random fucking shot off and KABLAM! The end of the badass to end all badasses. The problem, of course, being that in Murtagh’s case… that’s exactly what fucking happened.
And that random Redcoat?
He went straight to hell.
3. Throat Cancer that killed Michael Fucking Crichton.
Every fucking book that I have ever read that had Michael Crichton as the author has led to a very happy, contented avid reader. We own every single one of his books, to date. That includes Eaters of the Dead and Five Patients. In this household, when we do something, we go ALL THE FUCKING WAY. That being said? The throat cancer that he fought and battled quietly for years? Yeah, that deserves not just a punch to the face, but also a decent kick to the nuts with a pair of steel-toed boots and quite probably, a serious beating with the nail-studded bat we decided to use on Alcide Herveaux earlier.
RIP Michael Crichton (1942 – 2008). You’re literary awesomeness knew no bounds and will be missed.
2. Erich von Daniken.
It is the sign of an unfair world that this asshole is still alive when the greatness that is Michael Crichton is dead. Just sayin’.
When I was younger, I was fascinated by the alternate history theories. I spent a good portion of 2005 researching aliens, pole shifts, and Atlantis. During all of this fun and exciting research, or at least what purported to be fun and exciting at the time, I ended up finding about Erich von Daniken and well-known book called, The Chariots of the Gods. I bought it… and read about five pages before I threw it across the room in a rage, delivered it to my local library, and never looked back. After that, I settled back into my theories about Atlantis, but gave up on the alien spiel. It seemed just so asinine to me. I actually wrote a post, one day, about how all these assholes out there think we are just not smart enough to, you know, evolve on our own.
And that’s the reason that Erich von Daniken deserves a rapid punch to the face.
He thinks that humanity is too fucking dumb to have created shit.
Well. That and for giving birth to the horror that is my final tick on this list.
1. Graham Fucking Hancock.
Even prior to my exploration of alien alternate history theories, I discovered Graham Hancock because I was doing a lot of research into things like the apocrypha, the Dead Sea scrolls, the theories that Moses and Akhenaten were the same… So, because my purchase history was this big, huge eclectic thing, his book, The Sign and the Seal, popped up a few times. I figured, “Eh. Why not?” It seemed interesting that he would think he could find the ark of the covenant. And it seemed like a pretty good theory, what I nominally knew about the ark and history made it all that much more intriguing.
I had a seriously bad lapse in judgement.
This guy is the tool to end all tools. Let’s not even discuss the fact that, like Erich von Daniken, he thinks that humanity is to fucking dumb to have created such beautiful things as architecture and artwork, or discover advanced mathematics or anything. Okay, no. Let’s discuss. THIS TOOL THINGS WE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID THAT WE NEEDED SOME HELP IN GETTING OUT OF OUR SHIT-TOSSING PHASE BY ALIENS. Aliens came down and helped us to evolve and then built beautiful things that we later took credit for and they even put the great history that is their knowledge in a secret chamber underneath the Sphinx’s foot. Oh, yeah, baby. Humanity was so fucking infantile that it couldn’t possibly have grown up enough in any period of time and thought, “Hey. Permanent structures made out of stone would be more appropriate to protect us from invaders, animal attacks, or the elements.” Nope. No. We just couldn’t have possibly have EVER evolved to that point.
And of course, there is the toolish quality of his asshole book that I mistakenly bought.
I didn’t get far in it, I’ll admit. I was getting frustrated with his stupidity almost from the get-go. There were many a times where I tossed it, literally, against a brick wall in my frustration. It was either that or I go absolutely bat-shit insane and set fire to the book while dancing naked with soot casually designed in tribal tattoos all over my body. What got me the most was that he decided that to explain why the there were Ethiopian Jews who practiced a type of Judaism that hasn’t been practiced in over a millennia, he had to choose the most convoluted and asinine reason possible. Oh, I totally agree that people traveled to Ethiopia to escape the rampant Jew-hatred going on. However, he decided that the Jews got there by traversing the unknown desert of Saudi Arabia, into Yemen, before quietly crossing the slight isthmus between Yemen and Ethiopia, or possibly via the Red Sea. Um. Call me silly here but doesn’t it make more sense that, maybe, JEWS WENT THROUGH FUCKING EGYPT?!?!?! A FUCKING COUNTRY THAT HAS BEEN THERE FOR FAR LONGER?!?!? THAT THEY KNEW EXISTED?!?!?! THAT THEY PROBABLY STILL LIVED IN BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, JUST BECAUSE THEIR ANCESTORS HAD FLED DOESN’T MEAN THAT THEY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL THAT BAD LIVING THERE?!?!??!
Not only that, but this tool has some seriously bad hair.
And that right there? Merits a serious punch to the face.
And as a final testament to my rage-filled awesomeness, I present the world with an award I earned via Insatiable Booksluts for just such rage-filled commentary as one can find above.