What To Do When Waiting in the Wal-Mart Line.

Yesterday, I went to Wal-mart because I’m a lower middle class white woman who needed to get out of the house. So, I ended up at the Wal-mart in Chicopee. I don’t normally frequent this one because it’s a bigger waste in gas than going to the one in Springfield. Also, I tend to have to wait for umpteen million years in line when I go to this one. I mean, in Springfield, it’s about the same for line-waiting. However, it’s so much closer to my home that I can almost overlook that. While in line yesterday, I decided to start coming up with a list of amazing things to keep yourself occupied while you wait the half hour or so to check out.

1. Crane your neck around to see how fast the other lines are moving around you.
2. Comment about how twenty items or less used to mean less than twenty items when you were a kid.
3. Heave your weight, impatiently, from foot to foot.
4. Look down at the nonexistent watch on your wrist and tap it like you have somewhere to be.
5. Make rude commentary under your breath.
6. Lure the person standing in line either ahead of you or behind you into a conversation.
7. Let your eyes glaze over like you’re having an out-of-body experience.
8. Proclaim loudly about how you wouldn’t have to wait this long at the store in [city].
9. Comment to your neighbor about how much nicer that store is, even though it is 45 minutes away.
10. Wonder why the hell you chose the 20 items or less line when the 12 items or less line is moving faster.
11. Bitch about how all the Wal-marts in the area are not 24 hours, as they had previously advertised.
12. Mention how nice it is to shop at three in the morning.
13. Loudly proclaim that the customer service in this store is appalling.
14. Heave a heavy sigh or twenty-seven.
15. Try to figure out how fast the lines around you are moving.
16. Try to figure out if moving to a faster moving line is worth it.
17. Recall that you are almost there… five people back.
18. Drop your items on the floor as a change of pace.
19. Mutter snottily about how slow the cashier at the register is.
20. Shoot dagger like looks at the person wandering the store while texting and busily NOT helping customers.
21. Talk about how there are 30 registers and only four of them are open.
22. Tap that imaginary watch as the person writing a check ahead of you finally leaves.
23. Eagerly count the items in the cart of the person ahead of you and scowl when you realize there are 22 items instead of 20 or less.
24. Snark righteous about how no one understands what customer service is anymore.
25. Seriously consider opening up a register yourself.
26. Go so far as to move toward open register before changing your mind.
27. Wonder how much the twit at the register makes an hour.
28. Giggle in maniacal fits as the line moves forward.
29. Drop all items on the floor, again, including your soda.
30. Casually switch out soda for a non-fizzy one when no one is paying attention.
31. Debate whether or not you want to try the newest Trident flavor.
32. Discuss what cell phone provider you use with the customer ahead/behind you.
33. Pretend you get a text message so that the uncomfortable conversation will stop.
34. FINALLY place your items on the conveyor belt.
35. Glower at the back of the person ahead of you.
36. Demand, silently, that they get the hell out of the way.
37. Tap your imaginary watch and clear your throat obnoxiously.
38. Read the headlines spewing star secrets while you wait for the person ahead of you GTFO.
39. Place a brighter than sunshine smile on your face as you greet your pimply-faced slow-as-hell cashier.
40. Cheerfully wish the teller have a good night, and then mutter, “NOT,” under your breath.

Courage Is the Ladder Which All the Other Virtues Mount.

There are a lot of things lately that make me feel like I have this immovable weight pressing down on my neck and shoulders. I believe I have oft-times referred to it as a “millstone.” I think this weight has long since grown from being a simple millstone into a giant fucking boulder that was merrily rolling down a fucking mountain before it finally slammed face-first into my head. I’ve since been recovering from this horrible impact with my face. It’s been an on-going process that has required a lot of inner fortitude as well as some serious motherfucking courage. I think I’m rapidly approaching a dry spell in the courage department, though.

Today, for the first time, I had to ask for money from other people. I was selling wears, though, so it kind of evened out. I had to swallow my pride and ask for help and explain the reasons why. Most of the people who I am friendly with online and in real life are aware of my… trying times as of present. At least I didn’t have to explain that I was being dicked in the ass by the DUA before asking for some assistance… And I did get that assistance. I’m over the meager goal I had set for myself, although I will leave the post up for a bit, just in case.

Any extra bit helps.

However, this has really made me feel like I am not only at the end of my tether, but also at the lowest of the low. I am utterly grateful that I have such friends who are willing to assist me, either for the wears I am selling or just as a gift. (I received two gifts, actually.) And yet, I am so utterly aggravated that I have had to do this. I am beyond irritated to have to realize that I have to ask other people for money just so that I can buy toilet paper and trash bags. And again, I can most definitely see why there are a bunch of people out there who have said, “Fuck it,” when it comes to receiving unemployment. Considering all of the hoops I’ve had to jump through, financial and otherwise, I can only imagine how much worse it can get.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on your take I suppose, I am one stubborn fucking bitch. Once I set my eyes on a specific goal, then I am going to fucking see it through. Now, obviously, I can change my goals as needed to retrofit my life, however in this particular goal? There is no changing my mind. I will receive those weekly stipends from an account that Greed, Inc opened for me when they hired me in the first place. I will take every ounce of the money out of that account and I will make them pay me for what they did to me. This is utterly non-negotiable as far as I am concerned.

However, in the mean time, I am still bumming around and hoping that my adjudicator sits down and finally says, “Yeah, all right. Let’s get down to business and settle this one.” I mean, how long can he possibly take to make a decision? I understand that his job isn’t easy, however, judges in regular court systems manage to do it every day. Twelve jurors manage to do it on a daily basis. So, how is it possible that the man who sat before my case is having a difficult time here? If it’s that hard, perchance he should find a new job, eh?

I’ll just sit here and ring my hands in the mean time.

And be grateful that I have some bitching friends.

WTF?

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Today, I was walking with my son and our younger dog, Jasmine. This is a daily ritual for us. It keeps us all active and is kind of like a bonding exercise. This is also a part of my exercise for weight loss. Now, usually, the walk is fast and done quick: TS has started a habit of complaining about being tired and wanting to go home within five minutes of us leaving the house. Today, he was good; wse walked a good deal.

Today, a we neared the end of our walk, we went down towards a street we normally go down, Devens. It connects with Ludlow Ave and there’s a brick wall that TS loves to sit on at the end of Ludlow. So, we almost always end our walks down Devens. It’s straight forward and simple, though not today.

We encountered a dog.

This really isn’t all that out of the ordinary. When we’re walking Jazz, I’ll usually just pick her up. She is not friendly with other dogs. Hell, she has attacked her ‘older sister’ on numerous occasions. (Jazz thinks she’s alpha bitch and Sweet Pea feels the same. It’s irritating.) So, I am very observant and pay close attention when we’re all walking. So, today, I heard a yip as we walked down Devens and lifted Jazz on my shoulder; TS was ahead of us by two feet.

This chihuahua comes barreling out off a private property and goes after TS. It jumps at him, but doesn’t do anything. I have to thank all deities for protecting his special butt… In reality, I assume it didn’t hurt him because he didn’t have the dog with/on him. So, it came tearing off at me since I had the dog.

I figured it would run around in circles, barking like mad. Instead, it jumped up. I felt a burning and said, “Ow!” I don’t think I realized what happened. In fact, I’m sure I didn’t. I had a tight hold of Jasmine’s neck so she wouldn’t take off at the damn thing. The owner came out and snagged at the dog: she didn’t say anything or apologize. Fuck, I don’t even know if she spoke English since I live in Polish-Portuguese central.

And we hurried off.

By the time we were walking in the door, I knew that the dog had scratched or bit me. I immeditately pulled off my pants and tried to see. It’s hard because it bit me in that spot on my thigh where no matter how you angle, you can’t see properly. I took the above picture of it, which is shit quality. However, the record is there.

This Game is Dumb.

This morning, I did my weekly filing for my unemployment claim. I get a little alarm on my little phone from five different places to remind to do this. So, I went through the little questions and answered them properly. Then, I waited for the “status” screen to pop up. Can anyone possibly guess what was still posted up there? Yep, that’s right. The bright red message that informs me that I am disqualified from the period I am filing for, however, if I’m filing an appeal, then I should keep certifying my unemployment.

So, this can mean one of two things, as far as I am concerned. On the one hand, it could mean that he has not decided in my favor. On the other, it can mean that he still hasn’t decided. I’m more inclined to go with option two because I prefer that option. However, since Greed, Inc only decided it would be in their best interest to bring forth evidence against someone else or give vague testimony… Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’ll decide in my case. However, this waiting bullshit is just that: bullshit. I mean, my adjudicator has to realize that I will have an awesome fucking appeal because of his failure to make a fucking decision within the two to four week standard [implied] practice the DUA claims should he not decide in my favor…

…which he will.

I am beyond pissed; I’m furious.

How can they fucking do this to us? How can they just dick people around like this? There are people who rely on that money or would, if they possibly could. I can’t tell you how many people I have heard of just saying “fuck it” because the DUA has strung them along for any number of reasons. I’m fucking lucky that TH is working and bringing in money every week. If he wasn’t, I couldn’t be fucking around like this because there would be no way to get anything done. There would be no way to pay bills or anything.

As it is, I’m nearly out of most of my cleaning products and I don’t want to ask TH for the money to buy more since we’ll need that income for something else. I’m nearly out of kitchen trash bags for the same reason. I can list off more than a dozen items that I need to replenish in some form or another, but can’t because the DUA is dicking me around.

And, of course, I’m taking it.

Weight Loss Journal: Yeah, I’m Still Doing That.

I haven’t really been updating with this because I got really down on myself.

After Thanksgiving, I found it harder and harder to maintain my diet. The worst part is that I did amazing on Thanksgiving. I didn’t even go over on my daily intake; in fact, I had ten calories left over. However, as time passed, I sank into a depression because of the waiting game I’ve been playing. I couldn’t keep an accurate log of my daily intake because I didn’t want to know what a fat bitch I was becoming. I was still walking, though not as often or as long. In fact, it was so bad that the last time I weighed in, I had gained back the three or four pounds I had lost in November.

At around the beginning of this month, I started doing some research on how the hell I could lose weight. I found a bunch of bullshit psychobabble: think thin; stand always in the vacuum position (suck in your gut); and other things that made me laugh. I finally started doing research on how I could lose 2 pounds in a week, which is what I wanted my weekly goal to be. I found out that if I remove five hundred calories from my intake a day, I will lose 3500 calories, or a pound. In exercising the same amount in the same week, I can lose another pound… thus, reaching my goal.

So, I’ve been trying to burn 500 calories everyday. The walking is going well, although I will mention a few hitches: six days a week, I have to walk with TS. This can either hinder or aid my calorie-burning. Mostly, it’s a combination of both. I tend to get really frustrated with it. It’s really hard to keep walking now that the weather has changed for the colder. I don’t have anything but jeans to wear when I walk, and they’re thin. I also have some really old Adidas for walking wear. Again, I don’t recommend utilizing either in the winter. Also, I have no appropriate winter attire. So, when I get my first check, I’m going to Burlington for a coat and boots.

I will walk in the snow. I don’t care.

I’ve found (finally) the entrance(s) to the woods that surround the ass end of my neighborhood. This means that there’s been some serious hiking going on. I’ve been walking around Dimmock Pond the last few days. It’s crazy and awesome. I’m not normally the hiking kind of person, either. However, I’ve found that with all of this walking (and certain aspects to my religion) that I’m getting over that. I walk through the woods and marvel at what I wish I could see pre-this year’s storm, and what it looked like when people first started building homes on the pond, and trying to figure out what plants I’m walking by. I’m also finding myself irritated by the blatant disregard humanity has for nature, but that’s a story for a different time.

I’ve also been doing some sit-ups. I used to do them every night before I got with MEH. I think I was doing so well with them that I was up to 50 per night. I would do [girly] push-ups, too. So, with that in mind, I’ve been doing some sit-ups. I am at twenty in a go. However, to burn calories while doing them I have to base it off of how long I’m doing them. You burn 4.8 calories every minute that you do sit-ups, so 5 calories of every minute doing calisthenics. Maybe I could do it with sit-ups and jumping jacks… I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. In the mean time, sit ups are also great for that baby pooch I’ve been carting around for four years. (Shit! Four! Years!)

I think the worst part about this dieting aspect is the self-control needed to maintain your eating habits. Just because I’m dieting doesn’t mean that I’m not still bringing delicious chocolate and fattening items into the house. This is because of that Eggo’s commercial about the mom who is dieting, which means everyone in the house is dieting. On the one hand, it would be better for both TS and TH to be on the same dieting plan as me. However, I’m not going to force dry and tasteless down their throats. Besides, then I would have to share things like my Reduced Fat Triscuits and that’s just not fucking happening in this life or the next. (EVER!)

And to be honest, just because someone is dieting doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t eat the good stuff. You just have to maintain control and stick within the standard size for a single serving. And that, I think, is the hardest part. Like I said, it’s the self-control aspect that is needed to keep up with this stuff. And honestly, even if I didn’t have the tempting stuff underneath my nose, I’d still have a really hard time with it. I mean, there’s food all over the place that’s easily bought. Or, I could make brownies or cake… So, even though the food is here, in this house, and that’s probably not helping, I don’t think it would really keep me within the narrow confines that I need to be.

Sigh.

I’m really trying this whole thing. I mean, I really am. And I want to get down to my target weight, but I have to wonder when I’ll reach my plateau. Everyone does; I know that from having watched plenty of people go on various diets. And the recommendation from there is that you should change up the tactic. What more change could I possibly add to all of this if/when I meet that magical moment where I can’t lose anymore? That’s a scary thought.

But what’s really scary is that I’m putting in all of this hard work for little to no gain.

Current Weight 174
Calories Burned Today 578
Total Burned This Week 4,150
Total Burned 14,951

Picture Perfect: Nature Walk 12/16/2011

I’m not a big outdoors person. (That’s because I’m only five feet tall! Bah-DUM-chum.) In fact, as a kid, I preferred the interior to the exterior. I would play outside, but if I really thought about it, then I would have said that staying inside was way better. I’m still that way. Whenever people talk about camping and it being fun, I shudder. Whenever people talk about hiking, I make gagging motions. So, really, it’s pretty damn amazing that I go outside and walk on a regular basis, considering my dislike of the outside world.

Today, I broke through my fear and accidentally ended up on a nature walk. I was, originally, thinking that I had found a faster way to get to Hubbard Park. Ah. No. I found trails, trees, train tracks, a pond, and then the park. It was awesome. You can join me in how awesome this is.

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This is what started it. I happened to see this sign and I had to keep going. I couldn’t not take the trail. That’s like asking a little kid to watch your chocolate for you and not take a bite. It’s just not happening.

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This was the first leg of my journey. I honestly had no damn idea what the hell was going on or where I was going. I was using my childlike sense of wonder as a compass, at this juncture. That’s probably not a good idea when you have no idea what the hell is on the other side.

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But, it was okay because I ended up at the train tracks. Of course, I’ve never been around train tracks as a child, so I really wasn’t sure if this was actually “okay.” I kept looking back and forth to make sure a train wasn’t coming. It’s only now, in the safety of my home, that I recall just how loud a passing train is (since I hear them all the time). And yeah, I bet I would have heard a train coming long before it caught up with me. Oh, well. It was pretty fucking cool, though, to be near the train tracks. It’s like a throwback to an older time, but in this time. I probably can’t explain it and I’m not going to try.

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I didn’t realize that I was coming up to a body of water until I came up to a body of water. Then, I finally figured out that I should check the GPS on my walking program. Oh, hey! That’s Dimmock Pond! I hadn’t heard of it, either.

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I don’t know who lived there, but someone was camping out back there. I mean, there were books and a bag and the makings for a fire… Someone is camping the hell out. I didn’t hang around to meet the occupant; I felt like I was trespassing.

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And then I really was trespassing, or I think I was. I assume that the lots the houses I was walking behind still own the land up to the pond, but there’s no telling. Do you know how long it took me to realize that the houses I was walking behind had once been waterfront property? I was halfway through them all before it clicked. And I was like, I’M WALKING THROUGH HISTORY!! I almost wet myself with excitement. I seriously have to wonder when the residents of those houses stopped using those stairs since most of them were covered up (in the yard) by sheds, bricks, wood stacks, etc.

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We destroy so much all of the time. I felt bad for the birch trees being stripped like that. They looked cold. And I was upset for them. I love birch trees (and weeping willows). I was also pretty pissed when I realized that people had been hanging out back in those woods and cutting down trees. I don’t know if it was the city because of the mass of storms that have destroyed a lot of trees around here or just assholes. I’m going with just assholes until further evidence is offered.

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I really wasn’t joking when I said that there had been a lot of destruction because of the storms that had swept through. There were even more deadfalls that I just didn’t grab shots of. In the second picture, that’s most of a tree in the pond with only a small portion of it still attached at the base. The next picture, with the red bush like thing? That’s actually a mass of baby maple trees covering what is left of the base of the tree in the water. I couldn’t get any closer (AND THERE’S NO ZOOM ON MY PHONE, DAMN IT) without falling into the pond. I’m all for pictures, but not in the face of a possibly soaking.

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That first picture is the path that I was on just ending in the pond. Evidently, at one point, the spit of land that I was on crossed the pond in its entirety. The second picture if where the path winds up on the other side of the pond.

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The first picture in this nestle o’ shots is a kind of joke on myself. I’m constantly talking about how I’m at the crossroads and don’t know which way to go. The second picture is beautiful. I clicked it at the right moment. And the last two were my final choices: do I keep going around the pond and end up where I started or do I go to the park? It was getting dark, so I went to the park.

BUT IT WAS AWESOME. I think the reason it’s so awesome is because the entirety was unexpected. I didn’t think to find a pond or the railroad tracks. I didn’t expect any of that and that, I think, is why I was so happy with that walk. Plus, hiking burns way more calories than just walking around the neighborhood.

To be honest, I would have kept going but the sun was rapidly setting by that point.

It was while I was running around out there that I came to a few conclusions. As a history buff, I know a lot of things that most people don’t. As I was walking around, I correlated a lot of what I saw in the woods with historical personages who may or may not have existed. You see, being so deep in the woods, I was able to think that I heard things, but mostly, I was just scaring myself or it was squirrels running around. And as the sun began to set, and I thought that I might get stuck out there after sunset, I realized just how frightening the woods could be to the colonials. It really kind of clicked, then, why they would have been so worried and scared of it. And to be honest, I wonder if it’s maybe that kind of ancient horror that makes humans feel that they have to dominate nature as opposed to living with.

Just a thought.

Dear Diary: Family Isn’t About Whose Blood You Have.

I know I’ve mentioned HLB and his girlfriend before.

After I wrote that post, I talked with a lot of people about TN. My mom diagnosed him with failure to thrive and she’s never seen him before. The same thing from BFMA’s mother who is a NICU nurse. So, I mentioned it to HLB since he seemed more willing to listen to the fact that there was something wrong with his son. I mentioned it to HLB’s GF because it didn’t seem like HLB was going to do anything about it. That was a mistake because there was absolutely no way to get a bee in the bonnet of HLB’s GF. You see, she suffers from an odd little thing where she has absolutely no mothering instinct. (I don’t understand this.) So, I finally started bothering TH’s mother about it because it would at least be told to someone who cared.

And after some time, she finally started to move heaven and earth to get something done for TN.

MIL had gone to at least one of TN’s doctor’s appointments and mentioned her concerns. Instead of listening, the doctor turned back to MIL and said, “Well, what do you think is wrong with him?” in a rather condescending tone. She, of course, assured him that if she knew the answer to that, then she would have a medical degree. It seemed like his doctor didn’t care. And if the doctor did care s/he probably thought it wasn’t worth discussing with parents who are too young. (BFMA’s mother told her about how a lot of pediatricians won’t tell younger parents their concerns about various things until they absolutely have to since, apparently, younger parents don’t care. Gee. I wonder where that stereotype could come from…)

Finally, early intervention was called to assist them in diagnosing what was wrong with TN. He wasn’t growing and he still wasn’t eating enough to grow. He still wasn’t experiencing any of the milestones that parents look forward to. He was still colicky. He was still a fussy baby. He was still smaller than most babies in the age bracket of newborn to three months… and by that time, he was six to seven months old. I had been telling them from the get-go that something was wrong with TN, but it took them six months before they finally decided to do something about it.

Early intervention helped them to get the specialist appointments that they normally would need referrals for: gastroenterologist, neurologist, and geneticist. The caretakers who had come over to monitor TN said that there were a few causes for failure to thrive (vindi-fucking-cation): they said it was due to neglect, it was due to taking certain medications during the pregnancy, or that it was a neurological or genetic disorder. However, since TN is so small, they also thought perhaps a nutritional deficiency could be causing some of the issues. He went to the gastroenterologist and he told them to put oil in his food as it will automatically be converted to fat…

…and that was it. We’re playing the waiting game at this juncture.

Now, in the time it’s taken for all of this to happen, a lot has happened between TN’s parents that has left a lot of us quirking eyebrows at one another. The only reason I know any of this stuff is because, on occasion, HLB will turn to his big brother and ask for advice. And TH knows that I’m really, really, really concerned about TN. Also, I think it’s practically written out as a testament to marriage that the significant other has to inform the other about important familial occurrences. I don’t know, either way… I know things that a lot of other people don’t.

HLB opened up to TH about… two months ago about his issues with the girlfriend. I’m going to name a few instances that I know about just to impress upon what it is I’m planning on saying.

1. When they were still dating and before TN came along, HLB caught her chucking her birth control pills down the sink one morning. He demanded to know what she was doing and she lied, saying that it was an accident. However, he said, “No. I saw you throw it down there, on purpose.” Shortly thereafter, he broke up with her… and she came by two weeks later, pregnant.

2. There was a wicked bad storm that brought a lot of trees down around here. (Which one? Honestly, I don’t remember.) HLB is one of those kids that needs to be doing something constantly, so he offered his assistance in cutting up tree branches and getting them out of his friends’ yard. Well, apparently, he offered his services to a friend of his and HLB’s GF said, “No, you’re not going.” And he reminded her that he had promised to help. Her response was, “If you leave this house, I’m not staying to watch the baby. He’ll be here on his own.” (As an aside, TH has told me that on two occasions, FF had gone downstairs to stoke the fire and found no one downstairs with the baby and her car gone. This was earlier in the year when HLB was working.) HLB offered to take TN with him since there would be other adults there to watch TN. And she said, “No, you’re not taking him anywhere. You’re either staying here with me or your son will be all alone.” I don’t know how they settled this spat, but HLB and TN went off to help his friend clear his yard.

3. The two of them were arguing one night about something completely ridiculous. Apparently, it was one of those fights that leads up to some seriously fucked up shit being said. She was trying to bait HLB to hit her, on purpose, of that we’re sure. She told him that she was leaving with TN and he would never, ever see the baby ever again. She swore she would tell the court system that he used drugs and that he was a drunk and and and. I mean, she was just saying shit to be mean at this point. And of course, since HLB is young, he absolutely felt that she was right, that she could take TN away from him. (And since the courts tend to give full custody to the mothers versus the fathers…) When he told her that she would never take his kid away from him, she slapped him across the face or something like that. He ended up grabbing her and forcing her away from him. The next day, she told MIL that HLB had hit her. So, MIL asked HLB what happened and he explained the scenario. MIL told HLB’s GF that she brought it upon herself and that she was lucky HLB didn’t lose his shit all over her.

These are just some of the instances that I could name. I felt that they really illustrated the point that I have to make, which is that she is bat-shit insane who is a leech. She has some very severe emotional issues with abandonment. This is normal considering that her dad killed himself and she found him… and then her mom moved out of that house and left her and her brother to live there. So, yes. She has some severe trauma and yes, she has some severe issues because of this trauma. However, there has to be other trauma that I don’t know about that have caused her to get like this. She’s done whacked.

Apparently, this morning, yet another argument was stirring between HLB and HLB’s GF. This started because HLB didn’t get up with TN, for once. I know that HLB gets up with TN just about every morning. (Oh, by the way, TN still doesn’t sleep through the night. Still. At nearly eight months of age.) This morning, for whatever reason, HLB didn’t get up with TN. So, in a fit of pique, she threw a bottle at HLB and his him in the head. This, of course, started a massive argument between the two of them… and finally, MIL got involved.

MIL took HLB’s GF aside and said, “You can get the fuck out of my fucking house.” You know that MIL is really pissed off when she started dropping eff-bombs because she just does not use that word. That’s when she’s seriously injured herself or she’s super-fucking-pissed off. “The only reason you’re even in this house in the first place is because of that baby! It’s not like I wanted you here in the first place!” And this is when HLB’s GF started sobbing her little heart out. (Apparently, she’s good at turning on the water works.) “And you can take that whiney baby bullshit and shove it! I want you out of here!”

I don’t know where this leaves TN.

I can say that I don’t think she will get far with taking the baby out of that house. TN is safer and more loved and more able to mature in the environment that FF, HLB, and MIL provide for him. As HLB said, her whole family is fucked up in some form or another (either genetically or emotionally) and he doesn’t want them to so much as look at his son, much less fuck him up as much as they’ve fucked her up. And I have to agree. Obviously, the raising that she received didn’t work out so well. And MIL did a pretty awesome job (as a single mother) with her two kids… even HLB, I guess.

So. This whole thing is just… it’s fucking irritating and aggravating. I’m at the point where I just want to start grabbing people and shaking them to see my point-of-view. I’m slowly beginning to realize how my mother felt whenever I was making some huge fucking mistake as a teenager. (Gods, I hope she doesn’t read that… I’ll never hear the end of it.) In all honesty, I hope that she tries to take TN out of the house and I hope that I’m there to tell HLB to call the cops and report him as kidnapped. I mean, I think that, right there, will be something in the eyes of the court.

In the mean time, a tug of war begins over a child that she once wanted, but no longer desires and a child that he never wanted, but now desires above all else.