Yesterday, I went to Wal-mart because I’m a lower middle class white woman who needed to get out of the house. So, I ended up at the Wal-mart in Chicopee. I don’t normally frequent this one because it’s a bigger waste in gas than going to the one in Springfield. Also, I tend to have to wait for umpteen million years in line when I go to this one. I mean, in Springfield, it’s about the same for line-waiting. However, it’s so much closer to my home that I can almost overlook that. While in line yesterday, I decided to start coming up with a list of amazing things to keep yourself occupied while you wait the half hour or so to check out.
1. Crane your neck around to see how fast the other lines are moving around you.
2. Comment about how twenty items or less used to mean less than twenty items when you were a kid.
3. Heave your weight, impatiently, from foot to foot.
4. Look down at the nonexistent watch on your wrist and tap it like you have somewhere to be.
5. Make rude commentary under your breath.
6. Lure the person standing in line either ahead of you or behind you into a conversation.
7. Let your eyes glaze over like you’re having an out-of-body experience.
8. Proclaim loudly about how you wouldn’t have to wait this long at the store in [city].
9. Comment to your neighbor about how much nicer that store is, even though it is 45 minutes away.
10. Wonder why the hell you chose the 20 items or less line when the 12 items or less line is moving faster.
11. Bitch about how all the Wal-marts in the area are not 24 hours, as they had previously advertised.
12. Mention how nice it is to shop at three in the morning.
13. Loudly proclaim that the customer service in this store is appalling.
14. Heave a heavy sigh or twenty-seven.
15. Try to figure out how fast the lines around you are moving.
16. Try to figure out if moving to a faster moving line is worth it.
17. Recall that you are almost there… five people back.
18. Drop your items on the floor as a change of pace.
19. Mutter snottily about how slow the cashier at the register is.
20. Shoot dagger like looks at the person wandering the store while texting and busily NOT helping customers.
21. Talk about how there are 30 registers and only four of them are open.
22. Tap that imaginary watch as the person writing a check ahead of you finally leaves.
23. Eagerly count the items in the cart of the person ahead of you and scowl when you realize there are 22 items instead of 20 or less.
24. Snark righteous about how no one understands what customer service is anymore.
25. Seriously consider opening up a register yourself.
26. Go so far as to move toward open register before changing your mind.
27. Wonder how much the twit at the register makes an hour.
28. Giggle in maniacal fits as the line moves forward.
29. Drop all items on the floor, again, including your soda.
30. Casually switch out soda for a non-fizzy one when no one is paying attention.
31. Debate whether or not you want to try the newest Trident flavor.
32. Discuss what cell phone provider you use with the customer ahead/behind you.
33. Pretend you get a text message so that the uncomfortable conversation will stop.
34. FINALLY place your items on the conveyor belt.
35. Glower at the back of the person ahead of you.
36. Demand, silently, that they get the hell out of the way.
37. Tap your imaginary watch and clear your throat obnoxiously.
38. Read the headlines spewing star secrets while you wait for the person ahead of you GTFO.
39. Place a brighter than sunshine smile on your face as you greet your pimply-faced slow-as-hell cashier.
40. Cheerfully wish the teller have a good night, and then mutter, “NOT,” under your breath.